Sat 14th Dec 2019
This one time at a museum there was a control box with a sign saying “Danger Electricity”. I thought it said “Danger Electric City” & naturally assumed there was a city in there & they were in danger. I got hold of a knife & tried to pry the box open, electrocuted myself and was shot right across the room. I was 25 years old.
Still majorly depressed today. Normally when something shitty like Johnson or Trump being elected it normally puts me in a bad mood for a day or so but then something sexy happens in Hollyoaks and I forget all about it. However today was Saturday which meant no Hollyoaks and my shitty mood remained. Tony was complaining about his knees today and so I leapt on the chance to ask him he following Emergency Question: “Would you let Boris Johnson fuck you up the arse?” to which Tony responded that he absolutely would without any hesitation adding that it would be a privilege to get fucked by the Prime Minister and that the feeling would be no different that getting shagged by a woman wearing a strap on dildo. The combination of this ridiculous statement plus Tony’s rendition of “Jingle Bell Rock” with the altered lyrics: “Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Tickle my balls and suck on my cock” did cheer me up a tiny little itsy witsy bit. I wonder if other people who found themselves staring doom and damnation right in the face managed to cope through the medium of dirty Christmas songs. Maybe if Tony had been on the Titanic and gave the panicking passengers a rendition of his song “Suck My Fucking Cock You Fucking Slut” then maybe it would have cheered them up as they were slowly freezing to death.
Sun 15th Dec 2019
I’ve started the-reading the book “An Unquiet Mind” by Kay Redfield Jamison. I first read it ages ago after hearing about it on an episode of QI. It’s a first hand recanting of the authors experiences, be they euphoric highs or dizzying lows, with manic depression. I imagine that writing a book about manic depression when you have manic depression must be incredibly difficult because there will be days where you will wake up and not want to live much less write a book about how you’re feeling. Manic depression is an illness which can lead to people experiencing happiness and surges in creativity but the price they pay for these periods of euphoria are periods of utter distain for life and in many cases the desire to end it. I recommend that anyone give this book a read especially if you’re one of those cunts who thinks that depression is one of those things you can just “snap out of” or cure with a nice long walk. Also I’ve just realised how appropriate it is that I’m reading a book about coping with severe depression now that the Tories have been voted in again.
After work I was delighted to see that Adam Buxton had scored an interview with Billy Connolly for his podcast so downloaded it and gave it a listen in the bus ride home. It’s great that Connolly hasn’t lost an iota of his wit or storytelling ability despite his Parkinson’s diagnosis. Despite several sources reporting that Connolly was in his way out and wasting away I’ve seen him interviewed several times since and he seems to be doing okay (although I probably would have said the same about Robin Williams in the months leading up to his death so it’s very possible that he could be putting on a brave face). After listening to this very enjoyable podcast I got an extra jolt of potential good news as I’ve read that it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that Trump will be impeached this Wednesday which may eventually lead to the fucker being thrown out of office. This could be the thing that cheers me up. When this cunt was elected I genuinely asked myself where the justice was in this world when good things happen to bad people. But this upcoming impeachment has taught me that it may be even better for a bad person to get the good thing and then lose it. So Trump getting the Presidency and losing it might make me happier than if he’d never won it.
Mon 16th Dec 2019
I was on my own this morning because Tony was unable to come in. The boss said that he was in hospital because of a problem with his knees but yesterday Tony told me that he’d gotten into a fight with his son and ended up putting his head through a wall so I don’t know whether this contributed to his hospitalisation or not. It was lonely without Tony there talking shit at me and calling the customers cunts but on the plus side I probably did the most work I have ever done since I started there as I made a corned beef pie and a soup by myself and they were okay too which surprised me to no end. When I first got into cooking I genuinely did get a thrill from creating an entire dish from scratch but my enthusiasm soon waned when I realised that a good chunk of the cooking profession is really boring and takes ages and I never really rediscovered my enthusiasm for it. I should really try to.
A bit of a mind fuck on tonight’s episode of Only Connect. The first question of the night was this one:
I heard the song Stand By Me and knew that it was featured in the eponymous film and guessed that maybe one of the other songs was the one played by Andy Dufresne in the film The Shawshank Redemption in an act of defiance. This made me think that perhaps the link was that they were all songs featured in film adaptations of Stephen King books. It turns out I was wrong (I can’t remember what the actual connection was and I’m certainly not going back through my back catalogue of stores Only Connect episodes to find out) but then this was the very next question:
What the cunting fuck are the actual chances of that?
Tonight’s episode of Hollyoaks featured a real feel good moment as Mercedes confesses that she couldn’t be sure if it was Sylver who shot her so the police had no choice but to let him go. Mercedes did this because Sylver had convinced her that he would forgive her and resume their life together if she recanted her accusation. However after Sylver was released Mercedes was left gobsmacked after Sylver embraces Grace Black and took Mercedes son with him to start a new life away from Mercedes. This was such a shot to the character who has often smugly gotten away with every terrible act and indiscretion she has ever committed and the ending of this episode was one of the most satisfying I’ve ever seen.
Tue 17th Dec 2019
Well boy do I feel like a jackass. A while back I predicted that it was little Bobby who shot Mercedes in Hollyoaks but tonight it was revealed that
Grace and James both simultaneously shot her. In Grace’s case it was because Mercedes ran her over and James joined in because he is convinced Mercedes killed Harry. How ironic that Mercedes is getting HER comeuppance after years of making me cum in MY pants
Later in the evening I sat down to watch only the greatest movie ever made: Jaws The Revenge! Much has been written about how terrible this movie is and on a technical level yes this film is fucking awful. Badly written dialogue, wooden performances, a plot that seems as if it was written on the plane ride to the Bahamas and a shark that looks less scary than some of Luna’s bath toys. However, the film is so hilariously bad that it’s always an immensely enjoyable watch. One thing I never thought about until now is that at the start of the movie the shark kills Sean Brody, the son of Martin Brody from the first film. However rather than eat the entire body as most sharks presumably would it leaves enough of the body intact that Sean’s mother Ellen is able to identify it. This must mean that shark wanted the body to be discovered so that he could stick it to the Brody family. Talk about rubbing salt in the fucking wound! I used to think that it would be good to see an Ed Wood / Disaster Artist style movie about the making of this terrible movie. But the more I think about it though a lot of this movies infamy stems from the film itself rather than the making of it. From what I can tell there are no nightmare stories from the set except for Michael Caine remembering that the shark didn’t work. What I do like is the fact that Caine missed out on picking up his Academy Award for his performance in Hannah and Her Sisters because he was in the Bahamas filming this movie. That would probably make a good film actually, the story of a brilliant actor finally being recognised for his talent but being unable to be at the ceremony because he is trapped in the set of a shitty movie. I’m going to write it.
Wed 18th Dec 2019
Stayed up to watch the Trump Impeachment vote and was very happy to learn that his Impeachment was pretty much guaranteed from the get go. I am also fully aware that an impeachment doesn’t necessarily mean he will be taken out of office but the way Trump was crying and complaining and playing the victim signals that he’s very pissed off that he’s been caught out and trying to scapegoat his anger by crying that the impeachment is anti-democratic. At the start of the day when the debates kicked off I sent Mr Trump a nice message to cheer him up once the jury found him guilty:
“Cheer up. At least you’ll finally get that wall you wanted. In fact you’ll get four of them you fat cunt!”
I also sent him a little bit of friendly advice:
“Trump I know you’re worried but fear not. There’s a film called The Shawshank Redeption where some other shithead’s lies and crimes are exposed but he thinks of a genius way to avoid being buggered in jail. Can’t remember exactly what his plan was but look him up, I think he was “The Warden”
I also had a few odd interactions with Trump lovers on Twitter who were coming up with the most bizarre defences for the twat’s abuse of power, like one cocksucker who said:
“If Abraham Lincoln and George Washington in the House on this #Impeachment Day and declared @realDonaldTrump as innocent in their spirit forms…how would the house react? Me, I would be thankful”
To which I replied:
“Same way scientists today would react if Einstein and Newton arrived and said the Earth was flat”
Trumps bottom bitch Sean Hannity also predictably chimed I’m crying that his pimp was being unfairly treated, calling the impeachment a “toxic political stunt” and I responded: “Nah man, Johnny Knoxville covering his face in leaches dressed as Abe Lincoln THAT was a toxic political stunt”. Incidentally I’ve always wondered why Hannity always seems to have a pen in his hand during every broadcast yet we never see him write anything down. Well in addition to trying to make everyone think he can read and write I think he also uses it to doodle when the commercials are on. This sort of thing:
After some more begging from some Trump supporters at the hearing including a previously unseen Little Britain character…
…some final confusing defenders of the future former President…
Republican speaker: “This has nothing to do with the crime committed….um…there WAS NO crime committed”
…and some last ditch attempts to get the judge to exonerate Trump which went something like this:
“Oh go on let him off your honor, please. After all it’s a lovely day: pretty clouds, trees, birds etcetera. I rest my case”
…I was informed that the vote was impeding so I settled myself in, prepared for the verdict…then fell asleep before it happened.
Thu 19th Dec 2019
I woke up this morning and remembering that in the past reaching for my phone first thing on the morning after a serious political decision was made has led me to slumping back into bed and uttering”Fuck’s sake!” at the announcements of Trumps win and Brexit, so I was understandably weary about doing it this morning. I actually genuinely crossed my fingers as I switched on my phone to check out the result and it must have worked (it had no influence whatsoever, the result happened long before I crossed my fingers. Even if crossing ones finger provided luck it wouldn’t work retrospectively) because Trump has been impeached! I was extremely happy because it meant that this Tweet to Trump did not go to waste:
“Serves ya right Trump ya fat cunt!
and while I’m aware that this doesn’t necessarily mean he will be thrown out of office it’s pretty obvious that Trump was severely pissed off that he had been given such a public spanking. Piers Morgan actually wrote a column, which is far too boring for me to waste your time by providing a link to, claiming that this result will actually strengthen Trump’s chances of winning in 2020. I’ll tell you one person who certainly didn’t believe that: Trump. In the days and hours leading up to the impeachment Trump was losing his fucking mind in Twitter, crying about what a travesty the impeachment was, how it was an unfair punishment that shouldn’t happen to any President and he even asked the American people to pray for him. Surely if Trump thought that this impeachment would strengthen his chances of getting re-elected he would have been Tweeting “Impeachment = best thing that could have happened to me. This will lead to four more years. Bring it on”. Well even though all signs point to him staying in office until at least next year’s vote I’m still happy that this cunt got to experience the fact that he is. It above getting a very public smacked arse just like everyone else. At least now he will have more time to spend with the lower case letters he neglects every time someone points out when he does or says something stupid or illegal 🙂
Also today a gang of thieves has been arrested in Sunderland over the theft of hundred of pounds worth of scented candles. Police were tipped off when the neighbours of the smelliest house in Sunderland noticed that the house suddenly started to smell less of shit and more of vanilla and lavender for some reason.
I finished An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison tonight. Although obviously tragic in many aspects it’s also been a joy learning about how the author has coped with this illness all her adult life. I particularly enjoyed a story near the end of the book where she is talking g about the time she went for a job interview to be a doctor. After filling out almost the entire application form she found herself looking at the following question:
“Are you currently suffering from or taking any medication for any illness which may impede your performances or responsibilities at this hospital?”
Clearly such a question posed a problem to Jamison as her manic depression would definitely impede her performance due to the nature of the suffers mood swings. However the use of the word “currently” in the question made Jamison realise that technically she could truthfully answer that at that moment in time while she was filling in the questionnaire she was not taking her medications and was in one of her more upbeat moods. Therefore she could accurately write “Currently I am not suffering from it and currently I’m not taking any medication”. I always look for little loopholes like this one whenever I’m signing a contract so that if I’m ever dissatisfied I can break it out and be all “AHA got you!”. However with me I find that I’ve never quite read the thing properly and I end up looking like a moron as a result. When I was working at the supermarket they had a rule that all Male employees had to be clean shaven when they showed up to their shift. After briefly considering pretending to be transgendered I realised that the rule was “clean shaven” and it didn’t say anything about wearing a fake beard over ones clean shaven face. I considered doing this but ultimately didn’t have the balls to go through with it but part of me wishes had just to see what would have happened. I also still have the uniform from when I worked there and have always wanted to take it with me when I go to another city so I can wear it and go one of the supermarkets pretending to be an employee. I would walk around the store and when people would come up to me and ask me stuff I would tell them to leave me the fuck alone!
Fri 20th Dec 2019
Ash and I got the news this morning that Tony is ill (genuinely potentially seriously ill) and the boss doesn’t want him coming back until at least after Boxing Day. This is kind of shitty as it means I won’t get another day off until Christmas Day and potentially even the New Year. On the plus side it means that I’ll stand a good chance of saving up the money that I’ve spent on presents over the last few weeks so I shouldn’t complain.
After work I headed off to the town to do my Christmas shopping but before I could I had to piss around looking in every high street store that had cookery sections to try and find some small oven trays for work. We have a Christmas turnkey flatbread in at work at the moment and it comes with potato’s, pigs in blankets, red cabbage, stuffing balls and yes I am listing all those things to try to pad out this blog. However getting all the shot ready each time is a pain in the arse so we’ve started placing all the stuff in trays then refrigerating them ahead of time so if the order for one comes in we can just walk it straight in the oven and yes I am going into minute details to try and pad out this blog. Despite going to seemingly every place in the fucking town the smallest trays I could get were still pretty big and cost £7.99. I rang the boss and told him that I couldn’t get any but he said that he would sort it out. With that out of the way I started my Christmas shopping, starting with £50 worth of Bridges vouchers for my nephew Kieren. Next I got some new bedding and pillows for Nana Jenny and finally got some new nightwear and a charm bracelet for Mam. With this done I popped up and dropped Air all off so I could head down the hill to Smyths to pick up Lacey’s toys. The plan was to give Luna a card with £50 in it but while I was walking around the store I saw a giant stuffed catterpiller and an electric chair (not THAT kind of electric chair you sick bastards) that teaches toddlers maths and vocabulary (maybe I should have picked up one for myself as well) and got those for her as well. After finally picking up a word game, a magic set and some other stupid fucking game for Lacey I got the stuff bagged up and began to make my way home. However after traveling about a hundred feet I realised I wasn’t going to be able to make it all the way up the hill. I phoned myself a taxi but it occurred to me once I got home that I should have just taken the wand out of Lacey’s magic kit and teleported the shit home! Well since I’m giving my sister money and my Dad’s books have already arrived I am all but done with my Xmas shopping for another year. Thank the fucking Lord!
We had Luna was over tonight and her new thing is climbing on top of a small storage box and having me push her around like a train. It’s murder on my fucking knees but it’s worth it to get to hear my little angel giggling. After playing with Luna for a bit I went upstairs to watch TV and throughout the night kept getting calls from Julie and Michelle from work who were at the annual works Christmas night out. The do this every year because they love to make fun of the size of my head and tell me how boring I am for not coming out with them. It’s a nice little tradition but I couldn’t be bothered this year so I just kept letting the phone ring. As much as I like the people I work with my days of partying are well behind me and even going to a restaurant with a large group of people makes me feel really uncomfortable. I also know better than they do what a miserable cunt I really am and I wouldn’t want to ruin their night out by being there.
Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid? 