Sat 4th Jan 2020
Last night was New Japan’s Wrestle Kingdom 14 which meant that not only was it going to drag like a bitch in the kitchen today but also I was going to have to avoid the internet all day so that I didn’t have the results spoiled for me (plus I’m in work again tomorrow so same applies). Luckily for me today was the first non busy day in a long time so the greedy cunts have apparently been recalled to work at the shithead factory and have feasted for the year. I legged it home and stuck the pay per view straight on and for the next five hours was treated to some of the most hard hitting, high flying action I will probably see all year. The show opened with the penultimate match in the career of the legendary Jushin Thunder Liger. This was an eight man tag featuring some of Ligers former partners and rivals and the nostalgia was certainly running high in this one. Shockingly Ligers team lost and Liger himself actually ate the pinfall. I assumed he would at least win this one and then go on to lose his final match tomorrow but I guess in hindsight it doesn’t really matter since this was more a celebration of Liger than a chance to put him over one last time. Takahashi (AKA Japanese Matt Hardy) vs Ospreay didn’t fail to disappoint and it while it was odd to see Ospreay working heel by deliberately targeting the injured neck of Takahashi it felt simultaneously appropriate since Ospreay is a massive prick in real life. Needless to say Okada vs Ibushi was a fucking blinder. The G1 Climax cemented Ibushis status as one of the very best in the world and Okada might actually be THE best. The guy has the best timing of anyone I’ve ever seen except maybe Ric Flair, he just knows how to guide an audience to where he needs them to be emotionally in a match. I was disappointed that Ibushi didn’t go over and to be honest the setup for this double champion thing was a bit strange. Naito proposed a match between him and Jay White and the winner of that match will face the winner of Okada vs Ibushi tomorrow night for both belts. However it seems strange to reward two people who didn’t win the G1 with a potential main event match. It should have been Ibushi vs White for the IC belt on Night One then Ibushi vs Okada for the world title on Night Two. Either way this was an amazing show with a stacked deck and I can’t wait for Night two.
Sun 5th Jan 2020
Fought through one hell of a stomachache at work to get home for night two of Wrestle Kingdom 15. The opening of the card features Jushin Thunder Liger’s final match ever. It was Liger and his old rival Naoki Sano vs Hiromu Takahashi & Ryu Lee. It seems strange to have Takahashi and Lee team up since it was Lee who broke Tanahashi’s neck all those months ago so why they would be willing to team up is a bit of a mystery. Also Lee and Liger had almost no interaction with one another for the whole match so him and Sato being there seemed a bit pointless. It should have just been Liger vs Takahashi. In the end Takahashi got the win after a Time Bomb and just like that the phenomenal career of Jushin Thunder Liger came to an end. I’ll go into why Liger is such a legend in tomorrow’s blog after I watch his retirement ceremony but until then let me just say thank you for everything Liger. The cards main event was an amazing match between Okada and Naito who ended up getting the win and became the first ever double champion in New Japan history. I was so chuffed for Naito, he’s a great wrestler with one of the coolest looks and gimmicks ever. After being treated to some of the most intense and engaging wrestling I’ve ever seen over the past few days I’ve decided that I’m going to Wrestle Kingdom. Maybe not next year although it would be a hell of an incentive to knuckle down and study my Japanese, but one day soon I will brave to 1148 hour flight to Japan so that I can bathe in the glory thy is Wrestle Kingdom.
In other news I’ve decided I’m not going to bother travelling to London to see Pointless. The Jonathan Ross Show experience was more than enough for me and I can’t really justify spending another shitload of money for a similar experience now that I’ve already crossed “TV / Radio recording” off my bucket list. Knowing my luck the episode I was scheduled to be at will have been a celebrity recording and will have featured Nikki Sanderson as a contestant.
Mon 6th Jan 2020
The final day of my 12 day long stretch working in the kitchen today. This has been an absolute nightmare and I’m glad it will soon be over. I was excited at the prospect of extra shifts and a shitload of extra money but I hadn’t banked on the never ending stream of cunts and fuckwits flowing into the cafe ordering breakfast stuff at lunch and vice versa. On that note if the guy who came in first thing on New Years Day and ordered an egg muffin while I was trying to prep stuff up is reading this: for gods sake man do something with your fucking life, what is wrong with you? And if anyone who has come into the cafe over the last fortnight and ordered an egg muffin after breakfast time: kill yourself! It hasn’t been easy and I didn’t think I was going to make it with my sanity retained but it would appear as though my sentence is finally over.
Got home and watched the retirement ceremony of Jushin Thunder Liger. What a career this man has had and what an impact he’s made on wrestling in general. If you’re a fan of cruiserweight or high flying wrestling in general then you’re probably a fan of Liger or a fan of someone influenced by Liger. This guy really changed the game when it came to junior heavyweights being given just as much build and focus as the heavyweights. In recent years the guy was getting noticeably slower but was still capable of putting on entertaining matches (his match with Ishimori this time last year was really good) so fair play to him for deciding that the time was right to hang up the costume. Thank you Liger for all the memories and that ungodly catchy theme song.
Tonight saw the return of Hollyoaks Later. For those of you who aren’t cool like me, Hollyoaks Later was a late night spin off of Hollyoaks which allowed for much edgier storylines, blood and guts, scenes of a sexual nature and very naughty language. Back in the day this was a full series that would run every night for a week but this time around it was brought back as a one off episode to coincide with the end of the Killer Breda story. It’s a bit disappointing that they didn’t do a series as Hollyoaks Later would have been much more fitting for the end of the far right story they did but it’s still nice to have it back. Early in the episode Mercedes discovered Tony who’s been trapped at Bredas pig farm for months now. I thought it would have been funny if Tony had yelled “Mercedes, help me” and Mercedes replies “Happy new year to you too. Rude”. Tonight also saw the introduction of Tony’s long lost sister Verity and oh my days is she hot. Pardon my potty mouth but I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with her. The climax to this episode featured Breda confessing to all of the murders and attempting to set her farm alight, taking her and her son with her. However Mercedes the wonderwhore provided the distraction allowing Sylver to stab Breda through the head with a pair of knitting needles. Quite a gory death and an incredibly satisfying payoff to an incredibly long storyline which I was only just starting to get tired of. The concept of a serial killer targeting whom she deemed to be bad fathers was an interesting one and there were times when I was really engaged and the kills and the motivation behind them were interesting, especially seeing how Breda justifies them in her own mind. However the story simply went on for far too long and the Tony kidnap story was really starting to get on my nerves. I will admit that initially Hollyoaks did have me in a state of shock when they teased Tony’s murder but after that it just meandered for months. Rest in Hell Breda you mental cunt.
Tue 7th Jan 2020
A day off at last. And how was I going to seize the day to capitalise on this chance for adventure and / or relaxation? With a visit to the doctors of course. These Bastard neck problems have been keeping me away from Jiu Jitsu for long enough and my priority is to get it sorted out now. I saw the doc and he gave me some extra strong painkillers and advised me to get back I touch with the muscular skeletal place in order to arrange an MRI. Once I got home I got on the phone to them and they said that it’s up to the doctor to arrange the appointment so one of them is lying. The bitch on the other end of the phone wouldn’t budge so I’m going to have to go back to the doctors which will probably take another week and get another appointment with the muscular skeletal place which will probably take another month. Ideally I want to be back training before Trump takes us all to war so at least I will be able to handle myself if I’m forced to battle an Iranian in on on one combat.
I’m back on my diet now so instead of sorting out food for myself at the end of every day I’ve decided to just buy all the healthy shit I plan on eating over the course of a week during one big shop. Until I hit 12 stone my food schedule will consist of one meal per day:
Mon – Tuna sandwich
Tue – Cereal / muesli / Breakfast bars
Wed – Energy bars
Thu – One sushi
Fri – Meat free chicken burger
Sat – Homous with sliced chicken
Sun – Turkey and rice
I’m also allowing myself one non-calorific energy drink per day but for the rest of the day only tea with honey and water are allowed. I’m also going to get back into running but just the 30 minute runs before bed since they get me nice and tired anyway. On days off I also have to do 1000 stomach crunches, weight lifts and grip exercises (not a metaphor for jerking off). On days when I get in from work and Mam has made a dinner I can eat it but I have to run for an hour.
On tonight’s Hollyoaks which covered the fallout from Hollyoaks Later Tony was rushed to hospital and after his shithead Doctor Dad considered letting him flatline so that he could have Diane all to himself he eventually helped resuscitate him. I know it’s early days but I’m not a fan of Tony’s Dad (as I will continue to call him. He has a name but I don’t care, I prefer referring to him by this name. In fact I think it would be awesome if everyone in the village referred to him as Tony’s Dad like the way the kids in American Pie Reefer to Stifler’s mom by this name. It would be even funnier if eventually Tony started to do this). I think k speak for all of us when I say welcome back and long live Tony Hutchinson.
In other news I’ve realised that because of my pesky job it’s impossible to watch and review a WWE pay per view every single day. If I want the reviews to be entertaining and not just recaps of what transpired then I need to give the show my full attention and doing so then writing a review of the show would leave me with less time to do the other things I like such as basketball and masturbation. Instead I’ve decided to just watch the pay per views while taking notes and then after I’ve watched them all I’ll go back over my notes and write reviews. It’s a project that will take at least two years but by the very end I will be the most knowledgeable WWE authority in the world so it will be worth it.
Wed 8th Jan 2020
A nice quiet day in the kitchen. Adele the dishwasher was complaining about how there was nothing to do but I certainly wasn’t. I want the next week or 17 to be a complete washout where I make only three things per day and spend the rest of the cunting day watching the Lakers on the NBA app. It wasn’t a completely stress free day however because whereas before the cafe was being flooded with greedy cunts today it was being flooded with… water. Around 2:30 one of the waitresses alerted me to the fact that water was shooting out of the cupboard under the sink by reception. The pipe under the tap had burst and the diary and all the other shit we keep under there was getting soaked. We had to switch off the water from the main pipe then had to mop up the river that had formed around the reception / kitchen area. Only after I had pulled out the freezer to mop underneath it did I realize that the water had come dangerously close to a plug socket and we could have potentially all been electrocuted to death (or been turned into a zany lightning bolt like in Gremlins 2: The New Batch). As I was mopping up I heard a man’s voice say “Excuse me”. I looked up and there was a bloke at the counter and he said “Would I be able to order some food please?”. Wow….I mean…wow! Clearly he had dismissed the rising water as not being a sufficient excuse to withhold serving food. I was tempted to say “No problem man, you haven’t got some armbands and a pair of goggles have you?”. I mean, what the fuck? There’s obviously an emergency taking place and you can’t wait a few minutes until it’s sorted? Fuck off and die you cunt! (Is what I would have said if I was terminally ill and had nothing to lose). As if this wasn’t a big enough pain in the arse, no sooner had we mopped up all the water the fucking fire alarm went off because some crusty old cunt had pressed the red fire alarm button instead of the silver button that says “Push To Open Door” which is next to an arrow which is pointing at it and has “Push To Open Door” written on it…easy mistake to make. For some reason pressing the button to turn the alarm off wasn’t working and we had to call up the boss and get him to come down and sort it out. My shift had ended half an hour prior but I’d been so distracted with averting danger that i was now at the cafe when I wasn’t required to be, so I left before I found out how it all turned out (though I did pass a few more old cunts coming into the cafe despite the deafening noises of a fire alarm ringing through the cafe so I did get one final groan before I left) but did curse the fact that this hadn’t happened at Christmas time as this would have been the perfect way to get the bastards to fuck off.
Resumed my mission to watch every WWE pay per view and my decision to pick one at random proved costly as I was allocated 2018’s Crown Jewel to watch which was not…good. Even if we leave aside the fact that WWE went ahead with this shitty pay per view even after the Saudi government butchered that poor journalist alive, it’s a fucking embarrassing and meaningless show. To be fair if had been contractually obligated to produce a show for a crackpot government I think I would try and deliberately put on the worst show possible just to spite them. I don’t think this is what WWE is doing however, they genuinely think that the World Cup tournament and DX vs The Brothers of Destruction is the best possible card that they can put on. If it was me I’d put in Titus O’Neil vs Mojo Rawley vs No Way Jose in an hour long Ironman match as the main event just to piss of the government.
Tonight’s episode of Hollyoaks focused on Tony seeing a psychiatrist to try and help him adjust back into life outside the pig farm he’s been imprisoned in for four months. Nick Pickard is a really great and emotionally engaging actor. The scenes tonight and he confessed in his confused state that he hoped his now dead captor Breda would walk through the door because she “took care of him” for all that time (perhaps indicating that he has developed Stockholm syndrome, like I have with watching Hollyoaks) was quite brilliant to watch. Later on I read a bit more of A Star Called Henry which retails the main characters torturous, poverty stricken youth in war torn Ireland. There’s a really graphic scene where Henry has a job as a rat catcher and attracts the rats by getting hold of a nest of baby rats, squashing them to death then rubbing the resultant pulp all over his hands and arms. Roddy Doyle doesn’t hold back with the gross imagery and foul language which I appreciate. I imagine that this story is going to follow Henry as he works his way up from the slums using dirty tactics to be some some sort of crime boss ala Scarface but only time will tell.
Thu 9th Jan 2020
Had myself a nice Sushi breakfast before leaving for work this morning in order to kick off my diet good and proper. Normally I have one piece every hour in order to keep myself well fed throughout the day and so that I have something to look forward too every hour but today I just wanted to wolf the whole thing down. My plan is to have my meal in the morning and nothing else until the next which will be hard to do but a bit of research I’ve down online suggests that it takes 21 days to break a habit so if I can just keep it up for that long then eventually no eating like a fucking warthog will become like second nature to me. I’ve thought about going to see a hypnotist to help me out with my cravings. However I’m worried that the hypnotist will be in the process of saying “You will not eat after breakfast” but just like in the film Office Space the hypnotist might have a heart attack and die just after uttering the words “You will not eat…” and that will make me avoid food altogether and eventually starve to death.
TONY IS BACK!!! After nearly three weeks of working only with Ash I had my first Tony shift in a while and he hasn’t really changed as he was quickly insulting the customers and their poor imitation Ted Baker bags and saying that what they want for the New Year is his big cock inside them. He still seemed to be in a bit of pain and when he showed me the shape his legs were in I felt guilty about ever disparaging him for being off because you can just tell that he must have been in agony. The boss just wants him to ease back into the work but with this cold weather plus the predicted horrendous wind it looks as if it isn’t going to be busy for a while anyway so it looks like neither of us will be rushed off our feet for a while which suits me down to the ground.
Fri 10th Jan 2020
I found out today that the beginning date of the NBA season typically isn’t announced until mid August which means that my plan of going to see the Lakers’ opening game won’t be possible (well, it will but booking so close to the date will probably cost a small fortune). You would think that the NBA would announce the start date well in advance so that foreigners can make arrangements to attend but the thing is they don’t give a shot about foreigners because they know that the people who live in LA will definitely be willing to attend the game and pay top dollar for it, the cunts. I will have to wait until the schedule is released and then choose a date when they are playing one of their biggest rivals and book that date to go away.
Today I was trying to ring Dad to tell him about the LA trip but every time I would ring it would go i voicemail and when he finally rang me back a customer would come into the cafe so I couldn’t answer it. I said to Tony “I hate it when someone rings you, you just miss the call, you ring them immediately back and it goes to answerphone. How is that possible?” and Tony without batting an eyelid replied “Because you’re a cunt!”. It’s nice to see that his near death experience hasn’t affected him one bit.
On the bus ride home I listened to the brilliant Nick Frost being interviewed on RHLSTP where he was open and honest about the passing of his mother while also managing to sneak a funny story into it as well. Frosts first appearance in the show 7 years ago was hilarious and this one was funny too but it was interesting and really touching to hear the guy baring his soul about something that would clearly badly effect anyone. I’ve always thought Frost was a top guy and really nice so it sucks that he went through such a tragedy but his sense of humour seems to be serving him well.
Seeing Maffew from BotchaMania tweet that he had decided to go to WrestleMania got me mulling over whether or not it would be possible and financially viable for me to go. I spent much of the evening lookin over priced and eventually found Flights for £771, a hotel called the Hotel La Quinta Inn by Wyndham Tampa which is right by both the stadium and the airport for £269, trains to and from London for £115 and Mania tickets for £75 making a grand total of £1230. I could afford this with the money I have in my account now but it would completely wipe me out plus the journey to London combined with the 9 hour plane ride would probably destroy me and I’d be in no mood to watch the show. Ideally I’ll have to go to London the night before the show and stay in a hostel, fly to the states the next day, see Mania the day after, fly back the day after that and stay in a hostel in London again he same night and then get the train home the day after that.