Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid? #371 “Wrestle Kingdom”

Sat 4th Jan 2020

Last night was New Japan’s Wrestle Kingdom 14 which meant that not only was it going to drag like a bitch in the kitchen today but also I was going to have to avoid the internet all day so that I didn’t have the results spoiled for me (plus I’m in work again tomorrow so same applies). Luckily for me today was the first non busy day in a long time so the greedy cunts have apparently been recalled to work at the shithead factory and have feasted for the year. I legged it home and stuck the pay per view straight on and for the next five hours was treated to some of the most hard hitting, high flying action I will probably see all year. The show opened with the penultimate match in the career of the legendary Jushin Thunder Liger. This was an eight man tag featuring some of Ligers former partners and rivals and the nostalgia was certainly running high in this one. Shockingly Ligers team lost and Liger himself actually ate the pinfall. I assumed he would at least win this one and then go on to lose his final match tomorrow but I guess in hindsight it doesn’t really matter since this was more a celebration of Liger than a chance to put him over one last time. Takahashi (AKA Japanese Matt Hardy) vs Ospreay didn’t fail to disappoint and it while it was odd to see Ospreay working heel by deliberately targeting the injured neck of Takahashi it felt simultaneously appropriate since Ospreay is a massive prick in real life. Needless to say Okada vs Ibushi was a fucking blinder. The G1 Climax cemented Ibushis status as one of the very best in the world and Okada might actually be THE best. The guy has the best timing of anyone I’ve ever seen except maybe Ric Flair, he just knows how to guide an audience to where he needs them to be emotionally in a match. I was disappointed that Ibushi didn’t go over and to be honest the setup for this double champion thing was a bit strange. Naito proposed a match between him and Jay White and the winner of that match will face the winner of Okada vs Ibushi tomorrow night for both belts. However it seems strange to reward two people who didn’t win the G1 with a potential main event match. It should have been Ibushi vs White for the IC belt on Night One then Ibushi vs Okada for the world title on Night Two. Either way this was an amazing show with a stacked deck and I can’t wait for Night two.

Sun 5th Jan 2020

Fought through one hell of a stomachache at work to get home for night two of Wrestle Kingdom 15. The opening of the card features Jushin Thunder Liger’s final match ever. It was Liger and his old rival Naoki Sano vs Hiromu Takahashi & Ryu Lee. It seems strange to have Takahashi and Lee team up since it was Lee who broke Tanahashi’s neck all those months ago so why they would be willing to team up is a bit of a mystery. Also Lee and Liger had almost no interaction with one another for the whole match so him and Sato being there seemed a bit pointless. It should have just been Liger vs Takahashi. In the end Takahashi got the win after a Time Bomb and just like that the phenomenal career of Jushin Thunder Liger came to an end. I’ll go into why Liger is such a legend in tomorrow’s blog after I watch his retirement ceremony but until then let me just say thank you for everything Liger. The cards main event was an amazing match between Okada and Naito who ended up getting the win and became the first ever double champion in New Japan history. I was so chuffed for Naito, he’s a great wrestler with one of the coolest looks and gimmicks ever. After being treated to some of the most intense and engaging wrestling I’ve ever seen over the past few days I’ve decided that I’m going to Wrestle Kingdom. Maybe not next year although it would be a hell of an incentive to knuckle down and study my Japanese, but one day soon I will brave to 1148 hour flight to Japan so that I can bathe in the glory thy is Wrestle Kingdom.

In other news I’ve decided I’m not going to bother travelling to London to see Pointless. The Jonathan Ross Show experience was more than enough for me and I can’t really justify spending another shitload of money for a similar experience now that I’ve already crossed “TV / Radio recording” off my bucket list. Knowing my luck the episode I was scheduled to be at will have been a celebrity recording and will have featured Nikki Sanderson as a contestant.

Mon 6th Jan 2020

The final day of my 12 day long stretch working in the kitchen today. This has been an absolute nightmare and I’m glad it will soon be over. I was excited at the prospect of extra shifts and a shitload of extra money but I hadn’t banked on the never ending stream of cunts and fuckwits flowing into the cafe ordering breakfast stuff at lunch and vice versa. On that note if the guy who came in first thing on New Years Day and ordered an egg muffin while I was trying to prep stuff up is reading this: for gods sake man do something with your fucking life, what is wrong with you? And if anyone who has come into the cafe over the last fortnight and ordered an egg muffin after breakfast time: kill yourself! It hasn’t been easy and I didn’t think I was going to make it with my sanity retained but it would appear as though my sentence is finally over.

Got home and watched the retirement ceremony of Jushin Thunder Liger. What a career this man has had and what an impact he’s made on wrestling in general. If you’re a fan of cruiserweight or high flying wrestling in general then you’re probably a fan of Liger or a fan of someone influenced by Liger. This guy really changed the game when it came to junior heavyweights being given just as much build and focus as the heavyweights. In recent years the guy was getting noticeably slower but was still capable of putting on entertaining matches (his match with Ishimori this time last year was really good) so fair play to him for deciding that the time was right to hang up the costume. Thank you Liger for all the memories and that ungodly catchy theme song.

Tonight saw the return of Hollyoaks Later. For those of you who aren’t cool like me, Hollyoaks Later was a late night spin off of Hollyoaks which allowed for much edgier storylines, blood and guts, scenes of a sexual nature and very naughty language. Back in the day this was a full series that would run every night for a week but this time around it was brought back as a one off episode to coincide with the end of the Killer Breda story. It’s a bit disappointing that they didn’t do a series as Hollyoaks Later would have been much more fitting for the end of the far right story they did but it’s still nice to have it back. Early in the episode Mercedes discovered Tony who’s been trapped at Bredas pig farm for months now. I thought it would have been funny if Tony had yelled “Mercedes, help me” and Mercedes replies “Happy new year to you too. Rude”. Tonight also saw the introduction of Tony’s long lost sister Verity and oh my days is she hot. Pardon my potty mouth but I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with her. The climax to this episode featured Breda confessing to all of the murders and attempting to set her farm alight, taking her and her son with her. However Mercedes the wonderwhore provided the distraction allowing Sylver to stab Breda through the head with a pair of knitting needles. Quite a gory death and an incredibly satisfying payoff to an incredibly long storyline which I was only just starting to get tired of. The concept of a serial killer targeting whom she deemed to be bad fathers was an interesting one and there were times when I was really engaged and the kills and the motivation behind them were interesting, especially seeing how Breda justifies them in her own mind. However the story simply went on for far too long and the Tony kidnap story was really starting to get on my nerves. I will admit that initially Hollyoaks did have me in a state of shock when they teased Tony’s murder but after that it just meandered for months. Rest in Hell Breda you mental cunt.

Tue 7th Jan 2020

A day off at last. And how was I going to seize the day to capitalise on this chance for adventure and / or relaxation? With a visit to the doctors of course. These Bastard neck problems have been keeping me away from Jiu Jitsu for long enough and my priority is to get it sorted out now. I saw the doc and he gave me some extra strong painkillers and advised me to get back I touch with the muscular skeletal place in order to arrange an MRI. Once I got home I got on the phone to them and they said that it’s up to the doctor to arrange the appointment so one of them is lying. The bitch on the other end of the phone wouldn’t budge so I’m going to have to go back to the doctors which will probably take another week and get another appointment with the muscular skeletal place which will probably take another month. Ideally I want to be back training before Trump takes us all to war so at least I will be able to handle myself if I’m forced to battle an Iranian in on on one combat.

I’m back on my diet now so instead of sorting out food for myself at the end of every day I’ve decided to just buy all the healthy shit I plan on eating over the course of a week during one big shop. Until I hit 12 stone my food schedule will consist of one meal per day:

Mon – Tuna sandwich

Tue – Cereal / muesli / Breakfast bars

Wed – Energy bars

Thu – One sushi

Fri – Meat free chicken burger

Sat – Homous with sliced chicken

Sun – Turkey and rice

I’m also allowing myself one non-calorific energy drink per day but for the rest of the day only tea with honey and water are allowed. I’m also going to get back into running but just the 30 minute runs before bed since they get me nice and tired anyway. On days off I also have to do 1000 stomach crunches, weight lifts and grip exercises (not a metaphor for jerking off). On days when I get in from work and Mam has made a dinner I can eat it but I have to run for an hour.

On tonight’s Hollyoaks which covered the fallout from Hollyoaks Later Tony was rushed to hospital and after his shithead Doctor Dad considered letting him flatline so that he could have Diane all to himself he eventually helped resuscitate him. I know it’s early days but I’m not a fan of Tony’s Dad (as I will continue to call him. He has a name but I don’t care, I prefer referring to him by this name. In fact I think it would be awesome if everyone in the village referred to him as Tony’s Dad like the way the kids in American Pie Reefer to Stifler’s mom by this name. It would be even funnier if eventually Tony started to do this). I think k speak for all of us when I say welcome back and long live Tony Hutchinson.

In other news I’ve realised that because of my pesky job it’s impossible to watch and review a WWE pay per view every single day. If I want the reviews to be entertaining and not just recaps of what transpired then I need to give the show my full attention and doing so then writing a review of the show would leave me with less time to do the other things I like such as basketball and masturbation. Instead I’ve decided to just watch the pay per views while taking notes and then after I’ve watched them all I’ll go back over my notes and write reviews. It’s a project that will take at least two years but by the very end I will be the most knowledgeable WWE authority in the world so it will be worth it.

Wed 8th Jan 2020

A nice quiet day in the kitchen. Adele the dishwasher was complaining about how there was nothing to do but I certainly wasn’t. I want the next week or 17 to be a complete washout where I make only three things per day and spend the rest of the cunting day watching the Lakers on the NBA app. It wasn’t a completely stress free day however because whereas before the cafe was being flooded with greedy cunts today it was being flooded with… water. Around 2:30 one of the waitresses alerted me to the fact that water was shooting out of the cupboard under the sink by reception. The pipe under the tap had burst and the diary and all the other shit we keep under there was getting soaked. We had to switch off the water from the main pipe then had to mop up the river that had formed around the reception / kitchen area. Only after I had pulled out the freezer to mop underneath it did I realize that the water had come dangerously close to a plug socket and we could have potentially all been electrocuted to death (or been turned into a zany lightning bolt like in Gremlins 2: The New Batch). As I was mopping up I heard a man’s voice say “Excuse me”. I looked up and there was a bloke at the counter and he said “Would I be able to order some food please?”. Wow….I mean…wow! Clearly he had dismissed the rising water as not being a sufficient excuse to withhold serving food. I was tempted to say “No problem man, you haven’t got some armbands and a pair of goggles have you?”. I mean, what the fuck? There’s obviously an emergency taking place and you can’t wait a few minutes until it’s sorted? Fuck off and die you cunt! (Is what I would have said if I was terminally ill and had nothing to lose). As if this wasn’t a big enough pain in the arse, no sooner had we mopped up all the water the fucking fire alarm went off because some crusty old cunt had pressed the red fire alarm button instead of the silver button that says “Push To Open Door” which is next to an arrow which is pointing at it and has “Push To Open Door” written on it…easy mistake to make. For some reason pressing the button to turn the alarm off wasn’t working and we had to call up the boss and get him to come down and sort it out. My shift had ended half an hour prior but I’d been so distracted with averting danger that i was now at the cafe when I wasn’t required to be, so I left before I found out how it all turned out (though I did pass a few more old cunts coming into the cafe despite the deafening noises of a fire alarm ringing through the cafe so I did get one final groan before I left) but did curse the fact that this hadn’t happened at Christmas time as this would have been the perfect way to get the bastards to fuck off.

Resumed my mission to watch every WWE pay per view and my decision to pick one at random proved costly as I was allocated 2018’s Crown Jewel to watch which was not…good. Even if we leave aside the fact that WWE went ahead with this shitty pay per view even after the Saudi government butchered that poor journalist alive, it’s a fucking embarrassing and meaningless show. To be fair if had been contractually obligated to produce a show for a crackpot government I think I would try and deliberately put on the worst show possible just to spite them. I don’t think this is what WWE is doing however, they genuinely think that the World Cup tournament and DX vs The Brothers of Destruction is the best possible card that they can put on. If it was me I’d put in Titus O’Neil vs Mojo Rawley vs No Way Jose in an hour long Ironman match as the main event just to piss of the government.

Tonight’s episode of Hollyoaks focused on Tony seeing a psychiatrist to try and help him adjust back into life outside the pig farm he’s been imprisoned in for four months. Nick Pickard is a really great and emotionally engaging actor. The scenes tonight and he confessed in his confused state that he hoped his now dead captor Breda would walk through the door because she “took care of him” for all that time (perhaps indicating that he has developed Stockholm syndrome, like I have with watching Hollyoaks) was quite brilliant to watch. Later on I read a bit more of A Star Called Henry which retails the main characters torturous, poverty stricken youth in war torn Ireland. There’s a really graphic scene where Henry has a job as a rat catcher and attracts the rats by getting hold of a nest of baby rats, squashing them to death then rubbing the resultant pulp all over his hands and arms.  Roddy Doyle doesn’t hold back with the gross imagery and foul language which I appreciate. I imagine that this story is going to follow Henry as he works his way up from the slums using dirty tactics to be some some sort of crime boss ala Scarface but only time will tell.

Thu 9th Jan 2020

Had myself a nice Sushi breakfast before leaving for work this morning in order to kick off my diet good and proper. Normally I have one piece every hour in order to keep myself well fed throughout the day and so that I have something to look forward too every hour but today I just wanted to wolf the whole thing down. My plan is to have my meal in the morning and nothing else until the next which will be hard to do but a bit of research I’ve down online suggests that it takes 21 days to break a habit so if I can just keep it up for that long then eventually no eating like a fucking warthog will become like second nature to me. I’ve thought about going to see a hypnotist to help me out with my cravings. However I’m worried that the hypnotist will be in the process of saying “You will not eat after breakfast” but just like in the film Office Space the hypnotist might have a heart attack and die just after uttering the words “You will not eat…” and that will make me avoid food altogether and eventually starve to death.

TONY IS BACK!!! After nearly three weeks of working only with Ash I had my first Tony shift in a while and he hasn’t really changed as he was quickly insulting the customers and their poor imitation Ted Baker bags and saying that what they want for the New Year is his big cock inside them. He still seemed to be in a bit of pain and when he showed me the shape his legs were in I felt guilty about ever disparaging him for being off because you can just tell that he must have been in agony. The boss just wants him to ease back into the work but with this cold weather plus the predicted horrendous wind it looks as if it isn’t going to be busy for a while anyway so it looks like neither of us will be rushed off our feet for a while which suits me down to the ground.

Fri 10th Jan 2020

I found out today that the beginning date of the NBA season typically isn’t announced until mid August which means that my plan of going to see the Lakers’ opening game won’t be possible (well, it will but booking so close to the date will probably cost a small fortune). You would think that the NBA would announce the start date well in advance so that foreigners can make arrangements to attend but the thing is they don’t give a shot about foreigners because they know that the people who live in LA will definitely be willing to attend the game and pay top dollar for it, the cunts. I will have to wait until the schedule is released and then choose a date when they are playing one of their biggest rivals and book that date to go away.

Today I was trying to ring Dad to tell him about the LA trip but every time I would ring it would go i voicemail and when he finally rang me back a customer would come into the cafe so I couldn’t answer it. I said to Tony “I hate it when someone rings you, you just miss the call, you ring them immediately back and it goes to answerphone. How is that possible?” and Tony without batting an eyelid replied “Because you’re a cunt!”. It’s nice to see that his near death experience hasn’t affected him one bit.

On the bus ride home I listened to the brilliant Nick Frost being interviewed on RHLSTP where he was open and honest about the passing of his mother while also managing to sneak a funny story into it as well. Frosts first appearance in the show 7 years ago was hilarious and this one was funny too but it was interesting and really touching to hear the guy baring his soul about something that would clearly badly effect anyone. I’ve always thought Frost was a top guy and really nice so it sucks that he went through such a tragedy but his sense of humour seems to be serving him well.

Seeing Maffew from BotchaMania tweet that he had decided to go to WrestleMania got me mulling over whether or not it would be possible and financially viable for me to go. I spent much of the evening lookin over priced and eventually found Flights for £771, a hotel called the Hotel La Quinta Inn by Wyndham Tampa which is right by both the stadium and the airport for £269, trains to and from London for £115 and Mania tickets for £75 making a grand total of £1230. I could afford this with the money I have in my account now but it would completely wipe me out plus the journey to London combined with the 9 hour plane ride would probably destroy me and I’d be in no mood to watch the show. Ideally I’ll have to go to London the night before the show and stay in a hostel, fly to the states the next day, see Mania the day after, fly back the day after that and stay in a hostel in London again he same night and then get the train home the day after that.

Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid? #370 “2019: A Retrospective”

Sat 28th Dec 2019

Not to trivialize a serious issue but I’ve always thought that #WhitePrivilege would be a great name for a kind of fancy Belgian chocolates

Anywho work was shit, nonstop cunts flooding in and ordering shit that wasn’t even on the menu and pissing me off by making me cool more stupid shot for them every time I was getting ready to tidy up.

I was there an extra hour and a half which passed me off to no end but luckily when I got home Princess Luna was there so I got to play with her for a while and all my stress just melted away as a result. Her new thing is to sit in her tent filled with plastic balls then throw one of them out and have me run after it then bring it back and call her a little pest. She’s got a real anti-authority attitude and doing things she is told not to do really makes her laugh and the ball pit thing makes her laugh her head off. Without this little angel I don’t know how our family would have gotten through Grandads passing and now she is acting as a natural anti-depressant to get me through these extremely stressful times.

No Hollyoaks tonight because obviously I’m the only one doing any work during the Christmas season apparently so I had to find other ways of entertaining myself tonight. There was someone on Twitter who had written “Can’t think of a good bio” as their bio. I wondered how many other people had done this so checked the archives and there were thousands of the cunts. When me and Halilaj were doing the podcast I was determined to come up with a catchphrase to use on the show. The one I came up with was “I wouldn’t want one of THOSE swimming up my arse”. It means nothing but the joke would be that I would establish it as a catchphrase then use it when it made no sense at all. However since I don’t know if we’re doing the podcast anymore it looked like this catchphrase would go to waste. However seeing that so many people were lacking in inspiration when it came to presenting themselves to the world on Twitter I decided to donate this amazing catchphrase to people of lesser creative skills than myself. I Tweeted to all the people who couldn’t think of a good bio , writing:

“How about: ‘I wouldn’t want one of THOSE swimming up my arse’?”

The funny thing is I must have written to at least 40 of them and not one of the cunts has used my suggestion or sent me a shitload of cash to thank me for gifting them with this amazing catchphrase (not that I would accept the money anyway but the gesture would have been nice, you know?)

Sun 29th Dec 2019

7 o’clock start once again but thankfully got refunded my money again by the boss. Despite all the prep I did for today and tomorrow the fucking greedy cunts of South Shields flooded in yet again and ate all of it which means it’s back to square one tomorrow. They just refused to fuck off and had me rushing all over the fucking kitchen (and there isn’t much of it to rush brought because it’s so tiny. The claustrophobia of being in there so long without a break is really starting to get to me). Luckily the boss said that tomorrow we can take a few things off the menu which hopefully means that things will be a tiny bit easier (though saying that they’ll still just order breakfast stuff non stop all day) but this upside was followed by a major f cling blow to the nads. The boss told us that he saw Tony last night and based on his condition he doubts if he will ever be back. This is the worst news I could have gotten because I was fine with working this hectic, ridiculous schedule on the understanding that it was just going to be until after Boxing Day but this means that the shit we’ve had to do for the last two weeks or so means will be our norm for the indefinite future (especially since the weather reports point to it being clear sunshine for at least the next week or so. Marking the first time in my life where I’m actually praying for a fucking blizzard). This news has really depressed me. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I don’t know how much longer I can last. Why won’t they just fuck off home? I really hope the boss is just exaggerating.

On the bus home I shut my eyes and just tried to drift away into my fantasy world to try and forget about all this unnecessary shit. From somewhere I can’t fathom I had a very realistic daydream about a hypnotist who had been rendered a vegetable as a result of a car crash and communicated with morse code using the drips of saliva from his mouth. The notice on his door described him as a “Spitnotist” and I then got a vision of his receptionist telling a visitor that normally hypnotists tell you to look into their eyes but this particular hypnotist can not do this since one of his eyes is facing the floor while the other is looking at the ceiling. She then quipped that the only way you could look into both of his eyes at the same time would be if you were a hammerhead shark. This was an oddly specific and detailed daydream but who am I to complain because now I have a sketch to use in my comic strip!

Mon 30th Dec 2019

I awoke from a very surreal dream in which myself, Dexter and Kingy were for some reason in a competition to recreate famous movie scenes and for some reason we recreated Ben Affleck as a giant talking lasagne…not sure what movie that’s from but either way I woke up before I got to see if we won. Dammit! Anywho it turned out that I had fallen asleep on my phone and my alarm hadn’t gone off but by a stroke of luck I had woken up just fifteen minutes after it was supposed to go off. This meant that I was able to quickly get ready and leg it to the bus stop. This was actually one of the rare occasions where the universe has attempted to fuck me over but I just about managed to prevent it and didn’t have to fork out cash for a taxi. Universe 55472 – Axl 1. I was in with Jill today as Ashley was off for her birthday and it was thankfully quite quiet. It’s days like today where you appreciate the little things like not having to sweet buckets in order to dole out food quicker than the greedy cunts can eat it.

Plus as if my own personal life being a load of wank at the moment isn’t depressing enough the universe has decided to further piss me off by giving Iain Duncan Smith a fucking knighthood. I shouldn’t be this upset because plenty of cunts have been given knighthoods in the past (although to suggest that Iain Duncan Smith was in any way comparable to Jimmy Savile would be an insult to Jimmy Savile) but the fact that he’s being validated in this way is an insult to the millions who have suffered as a result of his deliberately unfair welfare  system not to mention the thousands who have killed themselves as a result of losing their disability benefits. What baffles me even more is that even the the United Nations have determined that IDS’s welfare system was an abuse of human rights, he still remains free when he should be locked up and getting fucked in a prison shower. I strongly hope that this cunt gets a horrific disease or is involved in a terrible accident because that’s what he deserves. He might be he most evil man that this country has ever produced.

Tue 31st Dec 2019

Still rammed at work. Don’t want to talk about it.

Well it’s the final day of the cunting year and what an interesting year it has been. It was supposed to be a year of saving in order to put the cash towards WrestleMania but because of so many amazing bands and singers that simply couldn’t happen because I would not have forgiven myself if I hadn’t gone to see them. In 2019 I was privileged enough to go and see live: The Meteors, The Eagles, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Pixies, Idlewild, Republica, Suede, Sting, The Who, and The Polecats. It may be my best ever year for gigs although I say that every year so such a statement is redundant now. I also did some other cool stuff including a nice family holiday to Bulgaria which was a week of fun in (mostly) the sun and even got to cross “Ride a Jetski” off my bucket list while I was there. In terms of other bucket list items I finally visited the amazing Edinburgh Fringe Festival, spent an hour in an isolation tank which was an interesting experience, started a podcast with Halilaj which is tonnes of fun and sat in the audience for The Jonathan Ross Show (which, of reports are to believed could be one of the last episode of the show as the viewing figures haven’t been great lately). There was also a major highlight / relief midway through the year when I found out that the illness I’ve been suffering from is benign and not serious as I’d worried. Unfortunately 2019 will be remembered as the year when my Grandad passed away at the grand old age of 85. I still can’t quite believe it and it feels like such an injustice that the old man isn’t here enjoying Luna June getting up to mischief. Going into his old room still feels quite spooky and there’s still a tiny part of me that wants to go and say hello to him when I get in from work every day just out of habit. Of course the best thing I could help get myself through the fried would be to attempt to live a full and as meaningful a life as my Grandad did which I intend to do. My goals for 2020 will be to finally get round to writing a sitcom, learn Japanese, read all my books, see the LA Lakers play and anything else from my bucket list that I can get crossed off.

Many thanks to all who read this blog for sticking with me for the whole of 2019 (and some of you even longer). I wish you nothing but the best and hope you have a nice, healthy new year full of love and adventures! Here’s to 2020!

Wed 1st Jan 2020

Fuck 2020!

Despite my records of the blog showing that New Year’s Day has typically been dead as a door nail the cafe was fucking rammed yet again and of course now would be the perfect time to give me a pinched nerve in my shoulder so that I can barely move in the kitchen. Thanks universe! I haven’t had a trapped nerve for over three years and yet one just happens to turn up on New Years Day which just happens to be one of the busiest days on record. Ain’t it marvellous. If this isn’t the cosmos’ way of telling me that 2020 is going to fuck me over in a big way then I don’t know what is. For the entire day I couldn’t relax my right shoulder and constantly had to hold my arm close to my chest which meant that every time I loaded something into the microwave I looked like a fucking Tyrannosaurus rex! Any who I’m going to try to stop writing about work because the shithead customers are starting to piss me off to no end and I’m afraid that calling them a bunch of cunts every day via the medium of this blog isn’t having the cathartic effect it once did.

On a lighter note once I got home I set to work on one of my resolutions for the new year which is to learn Japanese. As you may remember I started to learn this amazing language as part of last years resolutions but then I got depressed after Grandad died and never got back into it. But good old grandad wouldn’t want me to put my plans and dreams on hold for anything so I started from scratch tonight. The book I have says that you can have a basic knowledge of the Japanese language (enough to carry a conversation) in twelve weeks but I intend to knuckle down and super study so that I will have it nailed in no time. I spent the evening alternating between learning Japanese, reading my book (“A Star Called Henry” by Roddy Doyle) and watching TV. A few of the phrases I did remember from this time last year but learning how to pronounce them is just the beginning as eventually I’ll have to learn how to write them too. Hopefully I’ll be able to get such a good knowledge of the language that I’ll be able to get a job as a translator (although knowing my luck I’ll end up as an translator in the fucking call centre I left six years ago).

Thu 2nd Jan 2020

Not a good start to the day right out of the gate as the bus driver gave me the wrong cunting MegaRider yet again. I told him that I went from Redhouse to the WheatSheaf and then another bus to Shields and the driver am charged me £14.40. I assumed that this was the new price because the bus companies tend to jack up their prices come New Year and bought it but after work I tried to get on my return bus and the machine beeped and said that it wasn’t valid for travel. In other word the cocksucker bus driver didn’t know which MegaRider to give me and so just took a wild stab in the dark. I’m not sweating my fucking balls off in a tiny kitchen shovelling food into the mouths of endless stream of greedy bastards just to wind up being out of pocket because some moron bus driver can’t be bothered to learn the prices of the tickets he’s supposed to dole out! I’m going to go to the bus station tomorrow and raise some Hell (and by Hell I of course mean politely and nervously ask if I can get the problem sorted out).

Work was once again rammed, I don’t know where all the customers are coming from, why they are coming to us in their hundreds and seemingly all at the same time or why the fuck they aren’t back at god damn work. All I know is that I’m in desperate need of a proper day off. I’m not sure why the boss hasn’t organised for someone to aid us temporarily until Tony is back but his plan of just having me work indefinitely is really starting to take its toll on me.

Luckily once I got home Luna was there which really cheered me up. Having my little princess around acts as a natural anti-depressant. Tonight while my sister and I were talking Luna wandered off into the kitchen to see Mam and after w hike we heard a smashing sound followed by Luna crying. While Mam was preoccupied making dinner Luna had found her way into the cupboards and pulled a bunch of bowls off the shelves and destroyed them. Thankfully she was uninjured but she was still a bit shocked. Whenever she knocks down her blocks or throws plastic balls out of her ball pit I always pretend to tell her off to warn her so that she thinks that doing so is mischievous. However I think perhaps that she’s thought that it would be as funny as it is when she knocks down her blocks if she were to do the same with the bowls and obviously doesn’t know that the bowls aren’t toys. All was fine though as he soon got over the mild trauma and went back to being her usual playful self.

Fri 3rd Jan 2020

Started the day pissed off as the prospect of another day full of cunts ordering breakfast shit at lunchtime and vice versa really brought me even further down. However while I was preparing all the breakfast shit we got a phone all and it turned out it was Tony who told me that he would be back next Tuesday. This is a huge relief off my shoulders because things have just been insane at work and equally insane has been the bosses strategy of just having me in indefinitely and not even entertaining the idea of getting some sort of temporary help. It appeared as though things were just going to be steady today but then just after lunchtime another jumbo jet full of the fucking bastards showed up and they all wanted food. The last fortnight has been A bit like the first episode of Spongebob where all the anchovies start flooding into the Krusty Krab. After the order for the 277th egg muffin had come through long after breakfast had finished I was tempted to lean my head through the hatch and scream “DON’T ANY OF YOU CUNTS HAVE JOBS TO GO TO?!!!” but I decided against it because some people are a bit touchy about that kind of language.

After work I went to the bus station to get my MegaRider sorted out and to their credit they acknowledged their mistake and issued me the correct one and even refunded me the money that the driver had incorrectly charged me for. As I came through the front door of the house my sister was holding Luna and once she saw me she outstretched her arms to get me to hold her then directed me towards the conservatory so we could play in her ball pit. I love the fact that she is starting to see me as her play-mate and always comes to me when she wants to do something silly or mischievous. Speaking of mischievous she was determined to break my laptop first by smashing the keyboard and then by climbing on the damn thing but I turned it into a game by tickling her to the floor and calling her a little pest which made her laugh.

Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid? #369 “Tonyless Christmas”

Sat 21st Dec 2019

With Tony off sick for the foreseeable future Ash and I arrived for the first day of our long stretch (though to be fair we still get Christmas Day off so at least we will get a chance to recharge our batteries). The one positive of Tony being off (other than having to listen to his racist, sexist rants and songs) is that we can do things our way in the kitchen and not have to do things his way which is overly complicated and makes things harder. For starters we moved the bain marie over our from under the big metal shelf where it keeps snagging every time we want to get something out over to the spot we prefer it in which made things go much more smoothly. Also since we couldn’t get any proper metal trays for the oven the boss got us some disposable metal tins (the ones more commonly used for takeaway meals) and this means we can tray up all of the little trimmings for the flatbread and just keep it in the oven on a low heat all day and it’s still ticketybootastic whenever someone orders one of them. This period of working in our own is not going to be easy but I just keep reminding myself to think of the money and at least it is just basic cooking, it’s not like I’m working down a coal mine or whoring myself to horny Taiwanese businessmen, or whirring myself to horny Taiwanese businessmen in a coal mine.

The next book I’ve started reading is Wilkie Collins’ The Woman In White. This isn’t going to be an easy task as it’s over 500 PAGES LONG which is waaay longer than anything I’ve ever read. However hopefully my new system of reading in increments will help me finish it at a more enjoyable albeit smaller pace. Something which amazed me when I selected the book from my bookshelf is that there is a bookmark on page 220 which means that at some point I must have attempted to read it once and given up halfway through. It’s about An art teacher who one morning on his walk meets a mysterious woman and accompanies her to her destination. Later he finds out that the woman actually escaped from an asylum. I’m enjoying the book so far an even though it’s not a particularly gothic book there’s something about reading any book at this time of year that gives it that spooky, gothic feel.

Sun 22nd Dec 2019

This morning was fairly dead in the cafe and for a moment I thought that perhaps the people of Shields had heard my prayers and decided to fuck Off and bother someone else. I was supposed to be cooking off a second turkey at mid day but because it was fucking dead and no one was around I decided to leave it until tomorrow. This decision almost proved to be incredibly costly as later this afternoon a shitload of the cunts all came thundering into the cafe and all of them were ordering turkey. Since we were rapidly running out of the stuff we had to stick it in the oven but slice little bits off the side and then blast them in the Marie chef oven. Everything turned out fine in the end but it was a very close call this afternoon and will serve as a warning to me that especially around Xmas it’s better to to as much as possible just in case, because you never know when a coach- loaf of cunts will materialise out of nowhere and fuck everything up.

The book I ordered for Dad for Xmas, David Spiegelhalter’s “The Art Of Statistics” arrived today. I heard the author discussing the book on The Radio 4 show “You And Yours” and the way he discussed all statistics having a story contained within them if you’re willing I look hard enough sounded very interesting and I thought it would be right up Dad’s street. I tried giving it a read but a lot of it is going over my head so I think I’ll just stick to The Woman In White for how.

I’m a fan of the broadcaster James O’Brien. I think he’s a clever motherfucker and I normally agree with many of his political and social opinions. However his comments recently on the subject of transgenderism were just plain ridiculous. A while back I wrote about my opinions on the transgender issue and was scared to do so because I have friends who have reached the complete opposite conclusion to me and I was worried about rubbing them the wrong way. However in the years since that post I have done even more research to try and understand the other side but my mind remains unchanged, I still don’t think trans women are women. James O’Brien’s defence of considering trans women to be actual women was this:

“So how do we define biological womenhood? It means you were built in a way that allows you to produce eggs and give birth except hundreds of thousands of women can’t. But they’re still women, because maybe if the dice rolled differently they could have done. I think the trans argument would be, well, the dice did roll very differently for me, and I can’t do that, but I am a woman. So that’s the bit I struggle with”

The problem with this rational is that the                          reason those hundred of thousands of women would be unable to produce eggs & give birth is because of defects in their anatomies & biology. By equating women who can’t give birth & men who believe they should have been born women O’Brien seems to be saying that a penis is in fact a defect that effects women and makes them unable to produce eggs and give birth! This whole time I thought that I was a man but it turns out I’m just an infertile woman! Innit marvelous? At the time I wanted to know exactly what test can be done in order to confirm whether or not someone was “born in the wrong” body and I’m still waiting for the answer. Most of the stuff I’ve been pointed towards identifies rare cases in which there is an imbalance of chromosomes which results in females resembling men or vice versa. However these cases are extreeeeemely rare and it would be a Hell of a stretch to assume that all trans people suffer from this defect (especially when most of the ones I’ve been alerted to  simply “self identify” as the gender that is the opposite to t he one denoted by their genitals when they were born. Again I’m sorry if this offends anyone (thought I’m not sure how anyone could possibly get offended by a scientific fact. I can’t imagine there are many people complaining about the theory of gravity online) but all the evidence points to there being two genders and the factor that determines which one you are is the genitals you were born with. Two genders and some individuals of either gender sometimes feel as though they should have been born the opposite which we call “trans”. In the same way that there are people with schizophrenia who think they’re Batman (for example). But imagine if non schizophrenic people were shamed and insulted for not referring to those schizophrenic people as “Batman” in the same way that non trans people are shamed for pointing to the evidence that there are only two genders. Again, sorry to any trans people reading this and I genuinely hope that you are able to live out the rest of your lives in happiness but if said happiness is dependant on me pretending that it is possible to magically change your sex then you’re going to be gutted.

Mon 23rd Dec 2019

Out the door at 6 this morning as we had a shitload of prep to do for tomorrow and for Boxing Day too. Today and Christmas Eve are typically two of t busiest days of the year and today was no different. We literally had to cook off enough of everything on the menu to cover our asses for the next few days. It wasn’t easy as we constantly had to prepare orders for today customers while we simultaneously tried to get stuff ready for tomorrow and Boxing Day. It’s almost as if the customers aren’t concerned with how we will be able to combat the next days patrons, they just want food in their own bellies. How selfish!  I’m very much enjoying all of the extra money coming my way as a result of not having a day off for the last few weeks but  it’s starting to get to me.

Some might say that it’s a complete waste of a 30 year old man’s time to search Twitter archives for everyone who has ever Tweeted that “Jaws The Revenge” is a Christmas movie in order to write “Shark! The Herald Angels Sing” underneath but this is exactly what I did with my evening. Well not my entire evening, half was spent searching out everyone who has Tweeted something ending in “Adam Cole” and writing “BAY BAY” underneath that. On guy got irked by me doing this and said that I should have written “bay bay” i.e in lower case letters in order to better fit Adam Cole’s size. I find it ridiculous that in this day and age there are still people who look down (he he) on certain wrestlers because they are “small”. Adam Cole is exactly six feet tall by the way which puts him at the same height as Kurt Angle and Ken Shamrock. Once you introduce this fact to them however they abandon the height thing and go for the “at least he is legitimately tough” gimmick. Then you point to the dozens of MMA fighters who aren’t tall or muscular and can still kick ass and they bring up ratings and charisma and other such words they’ve been conditioned to repeat without fully understanding what they mean.

Tue 24th Dec 2019

As I should probably have come to expect by now we got absolutely rammed in the kitchen today. Today was supposed to be about making sure we had plenty of stuff prepped up for Boxing Day but the fucking arsehole people of Shields apparently didn’t give a shit about that and any time we attempted to do any sort of prep the cunts came in by the coach load and further drained us of or resources. The weird thing is that most of them we’re coming in and ordering the turkey flatbread! WHY?!! Why the fuck do you want turkey on Christmas Eve? You’re going to gorge your fucking faces on Turkey tomorrow!!! That’s like deliberately giving yourself internal anal injuries the day before going to Prince Andrew’s house! So it appears as though because of the selfish nature of the hungry fuckers of Shields I am going to have to come in early on Boxing Day and do even more prep to make sure we don’t get a repeat of today! Fucks sake. Never thought I’d say this but I can’t wait for Tony to come back. Actually scratch that as if we’re talking dream situations I would prepare it if Stone Cold Steve Austin came in Tony’s place and became the new head chef. I would stay for the first day so that I could meet him and then I’d go home and sleep for a week.

Although I have made a huge amount of cash because of not having a day off in forever it’s still not enough for a trip to WrestleMania. I really want to go but I don’t want to use the money Grandad left me in his will as I’d rather use that for a deposit on a house when I finally move out. A few years ago I saw a thing on The One Show about a place in London called Flu Camp where they pay you a couple of grand in exchange for injecting you with the flu then keeping you in an isolated ward in order to test out new treatments. I’ve wanted to do it for years but today I finally got round to signing up for it. Someone should be in touch soon to let me know whether or not I’ve been accepted so wish me luck.

When I got home I briefly got to sit down and relax before I realised I still had to get a card to put my sisters Christmas money in. I checked online and saw that Sainsbury’s was still open for another half an hour so I legged it down there and picked up the card. On the way back up the hill a woman asked me if I thought she could still make it and I told her that they were starting to close when I left. She said that she needed an iPhone charger badly and i happens to have a spare one on me so I let her have it and she was very grateful. We got to talking about Christmas and then out of the blue she asked me if I smoked weed. I replied that I didn’t and she then said “It’s just I’ve got a load back at my flat if you fancy chilling out tonight?”. I said that I appreciated the invite but that my party lifestyle was well behind me. We then discussed our previous drug and alcohol stories when suddenly she said “I don’t know why but smoking weed makes me really horny” and like an IDIOT I replied “Really? It always has the opposite effect with me. It would usually just make me fall asleep”. After a bit of confused babble we went on our separate ways and as I got to the top of the hill and she was out of sight it suddenly dawned on me what had happened and I literally facepalmed and inwardly screamed “SHE WAS TRYING TO FUCK ME!!!”. Even as I type this I still can’t believe how fucking stupid I am and I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I completely blew my first opportunity to get laid in far too long. I’m sure it would have been awesome because this girl was quite pretty (even if her teeth were slightly greyed from the weed smoking) but it’s been so long since a girl has attempted to chat me up that I can’t even tell when it’s happening anymore!

Wed 25th Dec 2019

MERRY CHRISTMAS YA FUCKING CUNTS!!!

I was up bright and early this mercifully non-white Christmas morning (by non-white I’m talking in terms of the weather. Don’t think I hate the white man) in order to watch Luna opening her presents. Seeing her face light up after opening ever gig and game was a joy as was watching the look of complete indifference when she opened what turned out to be clothes. She also especially seems to like the oversized caterpillar I got her as she never misses an opportunity to cuddle with it. Luna also got a unicorn rocking chair which according to the box it came is “easily” turns into a unicorn on wheels. However in order to make the transition from one to the other we the adults have to unscrew various nails, flip the arches over and then screw them back in…its as easy as that. Dad was over for Christmas lunch too and we excitedly discussed our two major adventures we have planned for 2020: the All Points East festival featuring Iggy Pop and Kraftwerk as headliners and a trip to Los Angeles to see The Lakers play.

This morning I posted the following on Twitter: 

“While you’re all having fun with your families just spare a thought for the real heroes who will be working today. I’m speaking of course about the ugly strippers with shit tits from Babestation”.

Over the course of the day this single Tweet garnered over 1200 LIKES! This is my most liked Tweet and the most popular thing I have ever posted in the internet. It also got me quite a few new followers too.

There were quite a few strange interactions with my Tweet too. Some bloke / lass (depends which reproductive organs they had when they were born because that’s how it works) commented that my Tweet was not nice because some of the strippers on BabeStation are trans like this person was. I was planning on Tweeting back to them and saying “Trans people can be ugly too” but I felt that since it was Christmas I would give them a pass.

And finally tonight I saw in Twitter that “Season Four” was trending on Twitter and for a moment allowed myself to get excited as fuck hoping that it meant that Twin Peaks was finally going to make a reappearance after frustrating the balls off me two years ago. However I then saw that only about Gavin and Butthole Pussy Stacey and now my Christmas is ruined!

Thu 26th Dec 2019

7 o’clock start this morning for Boxing Day. It’s normally 8 but we didn’t want to chance getting destroyed by the customers like we did on Christmas Eve so I volunteered to come in an hour early to get all the breakfast shit prepped up to give us a bit of a head start. The boss refunded me for my taxi which was nice and although there was a bit of a rush in the morning it was mercifully dull for the rest of the day, so dull in fact that I was able to leave at my normal leaving time of two o’clock. Although I was more than happy to cover for Tony and work through these extremely stressful times to cover for him while he’s sick, I was slightly dispirited and a little bit pissed off when I heard that one of the waitresses saw him on the pub on Christmas Eve. When the boss said that Tony was at deaths door I didn’t realise that “Deaths Door” was the name of the fucking pub that Tony drinks at.

While on the bus and trying to Google the word “caffiene” I accidentally typed “caffiend” by mistake and instantly thought “that’s a good supervillain name”. For a while now I’ve been hoping that some inspiration would strike and help my come up with an antagonist for my comic strip Princess Luna June and I think I may have found one. The comic strip is more than likely going to be a comedic one so a supervillain named “The Caffiend”, a villain who no doubt has an affinity or possibly even gets his powers from coffee, would fit together perfectly.

After being told by someone on Twitter that my BabeStation Tweet on Christmas Day would make me very rich as every Tweet with over 1000 likes equals £1,000,000 and travelling to Lands End to correct my reward at the “Twitter Offices” my New Years Resolution is to learn when someone is being sarcastic.

Fri 27th Dec 2019

Every chat between a young musician & a non-musician ever:

Young musician: It’s crazy that some people only listen to one kind of music. I listen to everything from heavy metal to classical
Non-musician: Really? Who’s your favourite composer?
Young musician:…I can play Wonderwall

Anywho, Don’t want to talk about work today and the army of customers coming in and making awkward orders all day because fuck those cunts! Instead I’ll talk about tonight’s groundbreaking episode of Hollyoaks (it’s only just occurred to me that I could have referred to the crane episode of Hollyoaks a few months back as groundbreaking because the crane literally broke the ground. Fuck!). Tonights episode was set on New Years Eve 2019 but intermittently flashed forward to New Years Eve 2020 showing us where certain characters will be this time next year. This is a really clever idea as it made the audience wonder how the Hell these massive leaps can possibly come to fruition and then gradually reveal it throughout the year. I dont want to piss on Hollyoaks’ chips because this flash forward thing is interesting but what if one of the cast decides to fuck off to Emmerdale or gets fired for pissing on a sausage dog before this time next year?More importantly what if by this time next year a nuclear war breaks out and we all have to go and live in domes under the sea until the radiation goes away? Hollyoaks will be stuffed as they won’t be able to use this storyline since it was penciled in to take place on land

Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid? #368 “Trump Impeachment Day”

Sat 14th Dec 2019

This one time at a museum there was a control box with a sign saying “Danger Electricity”. I thought it said “Danger Electric City” & naturally assumed there was a city in there & they were in danger. I got hold of a knife & tried to pry the box open, electrocuted myself and was shot right across the room. I was 25 years old.

Still majorly depressed today. Normally when something shitty like Johnson or Trump being elected it normally puts me in a bad mood for a day or so but then something sexy happens in Hollyoaks and I forget all about it. However today was Saturday which meant no Hollyoaks and my shitty mood remained. Tony was complaining about his knees today and so I leapt on the chance to ask him he following Emergency Question: “Would you let Boris Johnson fuck you up the arse?” to which Tony responded that he absolutely would without any hesitation adding that it would be a privilege to get fucked by the Prime Minister and that the feeling would be no different that getting shagged by a woman wearing a strap on dildo. The combination of this ridiculous statement plus Tony’s rendition of “Jingle Bell Rock” with the altered lyrics: “Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Tickle my balls and suck on my cock” did cheer me up a tiny little itsy witsy bit. I wonder if other people who found themselves staring doom and damnation right in the face managed to cope through the medium of dirty Christmas songs. Maybe if Tony had been on the Titanic and gave the panicking passengers a rendition of his song “Suck My Fucking Cock You Fucking Slut” then maybe it would have cheered them up as they were slowly freezing to death.

Sun 15th Dec 2019

I’ve started the-reading the book “An Unquiet Mind” by Kay Redfield Jamison. I first read it ages ago after hearing about it on an episode of QI. It’s a first hand recanting of the authors experiences, be they euphoric highs or dizzying lows, with manic depression. I imagine that writing a book about manic depression when you have manic depression must be incredibly difficult because there will be days where you will wake up and not want to live much less write a book about how you’re feeling. Manic depression is an illness which can lead to people experiencing happiness and surges in creativity but the price they pay for these periods of euphoria are periods of utter distain for life and in many cases the desire to end it. I recommend that anyone give this book a read especially if you’re one of those cunts who thinks that depression is one of those things you can just “snap out of” or cure with a nice long walk. Also I’ve just realised how appropriate it is that I’m reading a book about coping with severe depression now that the Tories have been voted in again.

After work I was delighted to see that Adam Buxton had scored an interview with Billy Connolly for his podcast so downloaded it and gave it a listen in the bus ride home. It’s great that Connolly hasn’t lost an iota of his wit or storytelling ability despite his Parkinson’s diagnosis. Despite several sources reporting that Connolly was in his way out and wasting away I’ve seen him interviewed several times since and he seems to be doing okay (although I probably would have said the same about Robin Williams in the months leading up to his death so it’s very possible that he could be putting on a brave face). After listening to this very enjoyable podcast I got an extra jolt of potential good news as I’ve read that it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that Trump will be impeached this Wednesday which may eventually lead to the fucker being thrown out of office. This could be the thing that cheers me up. When this cunt was elected I genuinely asked myself where the justice was in this world when good things happen to bad people. But this upcoming impeachment has taught me that it may be even better for a bad person to get the good thing and then lose it. So Trump getting the Presidency and losing it might make me happier than if he’d never won it.

Mon 16th Dec 2019

I was on my own this morning because Tony was unable to come in. The boss said that he was in hospital because of a problem with his knees but yesterday Tony told me that he’d gotten into a fight with his son and ended up putting his head through a wall so I don’t know whether this contributed to his hospitalisation or not. It was lonely without Tony there talking shit at me and calling the customers cunts but on the plus side I probably did the most work I have ever done since I started there as I made a corned beef pie and a soup by myself and they were okay too which surprised me to no end. When I first got into cooking I genuinely did get a thrill from creating an entire dish from scratch but my enthusiasm soon waned when I realised that a good chunk of the cooking profession is really boring and takes ages and I never really rediscovered my enthusiasm for it. I should really try to.

A bit of a mind fuck on tonight’s episode of Only Connect. The first question of the night was this one:

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I heard the song Stand By Me and knew that it was featured in the eponymous film and guessed that maybe one of the other songs was the one played by Andy Dufresne in the film The Shawshank Redemption in an act of defiance. This made me think that perhaps the link was that they were all songs featured in film adaptations of Stephen King books. It turns out I was wrong (I can’t remember what the actual connection was and I’m certainly not going back through my back catalogue of stores Only Connect episodes to find out) but then this was the very next question:

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What the cunting fuck are the actual chances of that?

Tonight’s episode of Hollyoaks featured a real feel good moment as Mercedes confesses that she couldn’t be sure if it was Sylver who shot her so the police had no choice but to let him go. Mercedes did this because Sylver had convinced her that he would forgive her and resume their life together if she recanted her accusation. However after Sylver was released Mercedes was left gobsmacked after Sylver embraces Grace Black and took Mercedes son with him to start a new life away from Mercedes. This was such a shot to the character who has often smugly gotten away with every terrible act and indiscretion she has ever committed and the ending of this episode was one of the most satisfying I’ve ever seen.

Tue 17th Dec 2019

Well boy do I feel like a jackass. A while back I predicted that it was little Bobby who shot Mercedes in Hollyoaks but tonight it was revealed that

Grace and James both simultaneously shot her. In Grace’s case it was because Mercedes ran her over and James joined in because he is convinced Mercedes killed Harry. How ironic that Mercedes is getting HER comeuppance after years of making me cum in MY pants

Later in the evening I sat down to watch only the greatest movie ever made: Jaws The Revenge! Much has been written about how terrible this movie is and on a technical level yes this film is fucking awful. Badly written dialogue, wooden performances, a plot that seems as if it was written on the plane ride to the Bahamas and a shark that looks less scary than some of Luna’s bath toys. However, the film is so hilariously bad that it’s always an immensely enjoyable watch. One thing I never thought about until now is that at the start of the movie the shark kills Sean Brody, the son of Martin Brody from the first film. However rather than eat the entire body as most sharks presumably would it leaves enough of the body intact that Sean’s mother Ellen is able to identify it. This must mean that shark wanted the body to be discovered so that he could stick it to the Brody family. Talk about rubbing salt in the fucking wound! I used to think that it would be good to see an Ed Wood / Disaster Artist style movie about the making of this terrible movie. But the more I think about it though a lot of this movies infamy stems from the film itself rather than the making of it. From what I can tell there are no nightmare stories from the set except for Michael Caine remembering that the shark didn’t work. What I do like is the fact that Caine missed out on picking up his Academy Award for his performance in Hannah and Her Sisters because he was in the Bahamas filming this movie. That would probably make a good film actually, the story of a brilliant actor finally being recognised for his talent but being unable to be at the ceremony because he is trapped in the set of a shitty movie. I’m going to write it.

Wed 18th Dec 2019

Stayed up to watch the Trump Impeachment vote and was very happy to learn that his Impeachment was pretty much guaranteed from the get go. I am also fully aware that an impeachment doesn’t necessarily mean he will be taken out of office but the way Trump was crying and complaining and playing the victim signals that he’s very pissed off that he’s been caught out and trying to scapegoat his anger by crying that the impeachment is anti-democratic. At the start of the day when the debates kicked off I sent Mr Trump a nice message to cheer him up once the jury found him guilty:

“Cheer up. At least you’ll finally get that wall you wanted. In fact you’ll get four of them you fat cunt!”

I also sent him a little bit of friendly advice:

“Trump I know you’re worried but fear not. There’s a film called The Shawshank Redeption where some other shithead’s lies and crimes are exposed but he thinks of a genius way to avoid being buggered in jail. Can’t remember exactly what his plan was but look him up, I think he was “The Warden”

I also had a few odd interactions with Trump lovers on Twitter who were coming up with the most bizarre defences for the twat’s abuse of power, like one cocksucker who said: 

“If Abraham Lincoln and George Washington in the House on this #Impeachment Day and declared @realDonaldTrump as innocent in their spirit forms…how would the house react? Me, I would be thankful”

To which I replied:

“Same way scientists today would react if Einstein and Newton arrived and said the Earth was flat”

Trumps bottom bitch Sean Hannity also predictably chimed I’m crying that his pimp was being unfairly treated, calling the impeachment a “toxic political stunt” and I responded: “Nah man, Johnny Knoxville covering his face in leaches dressed as Abe Lincoln THAT was a toxic political stunt”. Incidentally I’ve always wondered why Hannity always seems to have a pen in his hand during every broadcast yet we never see him write anything down. Well in addition to trying to make everyone think he can read and write I think he also uses it to doodle when the commercials are on. This sort of thing:

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After some more begging from some Trump supporters at the hearing including a previously unseen Little Britain character…

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…some final confusing defenders of the future former President…

Republican speaker: “This has nothing to do with the crime committed….um…there WAS NO crime committed”

…and some last ditch attempts to get the judge to exonerate Trump which went something like this:

“Oh go on let him off your honor, please. After all it’s a lovely day: pretty clouds, trees, birds etcetera. I rest my case”

…I was informed that the vote was impeding so I settled myself in, prepared for the verdict…then fell asleep before it happened.

Thu 19th Dec 2019

I woke up this morning and remembering that in the past reaching for my phone first thing on the morning after a serious political decision was made has led me to slumping back into bed and uttering”Fuck’s sake!” at the announcements of Trumps win and Brexit, so I was understandably weary about doing it this morning. I actually genuinely crossed my fingers as I switched on my phone to check out the result and it must have worked (it had no influence whatsoever, the result happened long before I crossed my fingers. Even if crossing ones finger provided luck it wouldn’t work retrospectively) because Trump has been impeached! I was extremely happy because it meant that this Tweet to Trump did not go to waste:

“Serves ya right Trump ya fat cunt!

and while I’m aware that this doesn’t necessarily mean he will be thrown out of office it’s pretty obvious that Trump was severely pissed off that he had been given such a public spanking. Piers Morgan actually wrote a column, which is far too boring for me to waste your time by providing a link to, claiming that this result will actually strengthen Trump’s chances of winning in 2020. I’ll tell you one person who certainly didn’t believe that: Trump. In the days and hours leading up to the impeachment Trump was losing his fucking mind in Twitter, crying about what a travesty the impeachment was, how it was an unfair punishment that shouldn’t happen to any President and he even asked the American people to pray for him. Surely if Trump thought that this impeachment would strengthen his chances of getting re-elected he would have been Tweeting “Impeachment = best thing that could have happened to me. This will lead to four more years. Bring it on”. Well even though all signs point to him staying in office until at least next year’s vote I’m still happy that this cunt got to experience the fact that he is. It above getting a very public smacked arse just like everyone else. At least now he will have more time to spend with the lower case letters he neglects every time someone points out when he does or says something stupid or illegal 🙂

Also today a gang of thieves has been arrested in Sunderland over the theft of hundred of pounds worth of scented candles. Police were tipped off when the neighbours of the smelliest house in Sunderland noticed that the house suddenly started to smell less of shit and more of vanilla and lavender for some reason.

I finished An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison tonight. Although obviously tragic in many aspects it’s also been a joy learning about how the author has coped with this illness all her adult life. I particularly enjoyed a story near the end of the book where she is talking g about the time she went for a job interview to be a doctor. After filling out almost the entire application form she found herself looking at the following question:

“Are you currently suffering from or taking any medication for any illness which may impede your performances or responsibilities at this hospital?”

Clearly such a question posed a problem to Jamison as her manic depression would definitely impede her performance due to the nature of the suffers mood swings. However the use of the word “currently” in the question made Jamison realise that technically she could truthfully answer that at that moment in time while she was filling in the questionnaire she was not taking her medications and was in one of her more upbeat moods. Therefore she could accurately write “Currently I am not suffering from it and currently I’m not taking any medication”. I always look for little loopholes like this one whenever I’m signing a contract so that if I’m ever dissatisfied I can break it out and be all “AHA got you!”. However with me I find that I’ve never quite read the thing properly and I end up looking like a moron as a result. When I was working at the supermarket they had a rule that all Male employees had to be clean shaven when they showed up to their shift. After briefly considering pretending to be transgendered I realised that the rule was “clean shaven” and it didn’t say anything about wearing a fake beard over ones clean shaven face. I considered doing this but ultimately didn’t have the balls to go through with it but part of me wishes had just to see what would have happened. I also still have the uniform from when I worked there and have always wanted to take it with me when I go to another city so I can wear it and go one of the supermarkets pretending to be an employee. I would walk around the store and when people would come up to me and ask me stuff I would tell them to leave me the fuck alone!

Fri 20th Dec 2019

Ash and I got the news this morning that Tony is ill (genuinely potentially seriously ill) and the boss doesn’t want him coming back until at least after Boxing Day. This is kind of shitty as it means I won’t get another day off until Christmas Day and potentially even the New Year. On the plus side it means that I’ll stand a good chance of saving up the money that I’ve spent on presents over the last few weeks so I shouldn’t complain.

After work I headed off to the town to do my Christmas shopping but before I could I had to piss around looking in every high street store that had cookery sections to try and find some small oven trays for work. We have a Christmas turnkey flatbread in at work at the moment and it comes with potato’s, pigs in blankets, red cabbage, stuffing balls and yes I am listing all those things to try to pad out this blog. However getting all the shot ready each time is a pain in the arse so we’ve started placing all the stuff in trays then refrigerating them ahead of time so if the order for one comes in we can just walk it straight in the oven and yes I am going into minute details to try and pad out this blog. Despite going to seemingly every place in the fucking town the smallest trays I could get were still pretty big and cost £7.99. I rang the boss and told him that I couldn’t get any but he said that he would sort it out. With that out of the way I started my Christmas shopping, starting with £50 worth of Bridges vouchers for my nephew Kieren. Next I got some new bedding and pillows for Nana Jenny and finally got some new nightwear and a charm bracelet for Mam. With this done I popped up and dropped Air all off so I could head down the hill to Smyths to pick up Lacey’s toys. The plan was to give Luna a card with £50 in it but while I was walking around the store I saw a giant stuffed catterpiller and an electric chair (not THAT kind of electric chair you sick bastards) that teaches toddlers maths and vocabulary (maybe I should have picked up one for myself as well) and got those for her as well. After finally picking up a word game, a magic set and some other stupid fucking game for Lacey I got the stuff bagged up and began to make my way home. However after traveling about a hundred feet I realised I wasn’t going to be able to make it all the way up the hill. I phoned myself a taxi but it occurred to me once I got home that I should have just taken the wand out of Lacey’s magic kit and teleported the shit home! Well since I’m giving my sister money and my Dad’s books have already arrived I am all but done with my Xmas shopping for another year. Thank the fucking Lord!

We had Luna was over tonight and her new thing is climbing on top of a small storage box and having me push her around like a train. It’s murder on my fucking knees but it’s worth it to get to hear my little angel giggling. After playing with Luna for a bit I went upstairs to watch TV and throughout the night kept getting calls from Julie and Michelle from work who were at the annual works Christmas night out. The do this every year because they love to make fun of the size of my head and tell me how boring I am for not coming out with them. It’s a nice little tradition but I couldn’t be bothered this year so I just kept letting the phone ring. As much as I like the people I work with my days of partying are well behind me and even going to a restaurant with a large group of people makes me feel really uncomfortable. I also know better than they do what a miserable cunt I really am and I wouldn’t want to ruin their night out by being there.

Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid? #367 “Well, We’re Fucked”

Sat 7th Dec 2019

Up bright and early this morning as myself and Lacey had a session booked at the trampoline park. We haven’t seen Lacey since just after the family holiday and she says that she is a bit resistant to come because she feels like she gets ignored when Luna is here. To be honest she does have a point because whereas before I would come up with a big complicated scavenger hunt or device loads of activities for me and her to do, often when she comes over I have just come back from work and am too tired to play. Hopefully my new plan of getting Lacey once a month so that I have a chance to book the trampoline park ahead of time and to come up with some things for her to do will mean she will start to have a good time when she is over. The trampoline park was playing exclusively Disney music this morning because we had the hour after the toddlers club ended and presumably someone forgot to turn the tape off (either that or the park has been taken over by Disney and they are now promoting themselves as much as possible. This certainly would explain us being greatest by a guy in a Tigger costume when we arrived). Lacey had a lovely time at the park and I’m glad that she was able to have a nice treat for herself before the party which was all about Luna just so Lacey didn’t feel left out. Lacey is rapidly becoming a very street wise, intelligent girl while retaining her love for fun and mischief which I hope is how Luna turns out too.

The party was lots of fun too. My sister got Luna a dancing dog that dances to the tune of “Everybody Dance Now” and Luna has brilliantly mimicked the dog’s Michael Jackson-esque movements which gave everyone a good chuckle. Dad and I discussed going to LA next year for the LA Lakers first game of the season which sounds like an amazing adventure plus if they win this season then the opening game will feature them being presented with their championship too which will make it all the more special. Although we were all knackered after the party and keen to wind down and go to sleep Luna simply wasn’t having that and was eager to keep the party going long into the early hours and would not even entertain the idea of going to sleep. I tried firing her out by playing with all her games, I tried taking her into every room in the house to try and get her settled, I even tried my old technique of singing Yellow Submarine to her 114 times but this doesn’t work for her anymore as I can only guess that she has gone off The Beatles now and judging by the noise she made she’s probably into Nirvana now. I couldn’t take anymore when it got to 12 so I tapped out and passed her on to my sister to try and get her to sleep instead which she eventually did. The last year has been simultaneously one of the worst but also easily one of the best years of my life because earlier this year we lost Grandad which really deeply impacted all of us but this time last year this little angel named Luna arrived and she has such a warmth and sense of adventure about her that she has gotten us through this incredibly difficult period. As well as always loving her I will also carry a strong sense of gratitude towards her because she certainly gave our family strength when we needed it the most.

Sun 8th Dec 2019

So as you may know a while back after years of trying I finally managed to score ticket to a TV recording. I’ve got a ticket to The Jonathan Ross Show and I was hoping that the guests would be some hugely famous (and hopefully drop dead gorgeous complete with amazing tits) people who I had heard of. However today I checked the schedule for the show and unfortunately I either haven’t heard of them or I’m not a fan of. Rebel Wilson is a film star whose work I am not aware of, Jason Derulo is a singer who I have heard of but am not interested in his music because it’s not my cup of tea. There is a cricket player on the show who I am not interested in seeing or even looking up his name because he is a cricket player and thus I don’t care. The final guest is Mel Gedroiyc from Bake Off who I think sucked the life out of any god damn show she ever appears on and I wouldn’t want to attend a show she’s on and thereby strengthen the myth that she is funny (although admittedly she did come up with a good joke about Rod Stewart once which I now can’t remember). I’d like my first TV recording appearance to be a memorable one filled with people I’m a fan of and while I’m sure seeing a legend like Jonathan Ross would be a a highlight but these guests are going to be talking about projects that I haven’t seen and so won’t really have a frame of reference for. I think I might blow it off and go see Stewart Lee’s show at the Leicester Square theatre instead. It seems like a waste to give up the chance to see a broadcast legend but I also have a ticket to see Pointless in the new year so I will still be able to cross being in the audience for a TV show off my bucket list it will just take a little longer.

Mon 9th Dec 2019

In tonight pressure cooker episode of Hollyoaks John Paul and Finn ended up in the same room with one another for the first time since the latter went to jail for taping the former. There was a lot of talk about second chances and serving time and there was a sense of awkwardness and extreme hostility on my part and I’m sure from all the other viewers who watched as rapist and victim now sat just feet away from one another having a (albeit volatile) chat. Ultimately John Paul convinced Finn that though it may be true that he is not the person he once was it was impossible for people in the village to look at him and not see the person who committed those crimes. Eventually Finn realised that the only way to properly start his rehabilitation would be to start again elsewhere away from his victims. This looks to be Finn’s final appearance in the show and while this scene was powerful and intense the character’s whole return seemed a bit pointless. This was the only way this reintroduction storyline could have ended, with the villagers resenting Finn and him having to leave. Was this the plan for the character all along, for him to come back then realise he shouldn’t have come back then leave again? Or were the writers genuinely hoping that the audience would somehow come to forgive Finn and accept him back into the show? Surely the point of soaps is that you do storylines that audience can’t predict the conclusion to but with this one it could have only ended this way.

After the show I switched over to watch Only Connect and to my sheer delight actually got a question right which is an incredibly rare occurrence. In the “What comes next?” sequence we got the following three clues:

Gaynor
Garland
Streisand

And despite by having seen any of them I knew that these were the surnames of the female actresses who played the leads in the various adaptations of the film “A Star Is Born” So guessed that the final answer would be Gaga since Lady Gaga played the lead female role in the most recent adaptation of the film. Me getting this question right is the equivalent of Iain Duncan Smith getting a question right about why it’s wrong to take disabled peoples benefits away by having them assessed by people who aren’t doctors. So I was pretty proud of myself even if by the standard of the people who normally play the game this was a fairly easy question. However later on in the show there was an incident which ground my gears and filled my with rage, and by rage I mean I noticed it then continued on with my life in the same state it was in before the incident. One of the teams gave their answer to a question and host Victoria Coren said “Have a look at the third clue and have another go”, the team then thought about it and provided a variation of their first answer and were awards the point. What the fuck?! I thought quiz shows had to accept a first answer, when did they start allowing people a second guess complete with a little hint from the host?

Tue 10 Dec 2019

So David Jason says he’s partial to a bit of innuendo on the set of Still Open All Hours & certain people have decided that he made jokes about the rape of an ex-nun in front of her, who then slit her wrists out of embarrassment. Weird how certain people can make an entire jigsaw with only one piece isn’t it? Remember on Krypton Factor where you watched a short film & had to pick out the mistakes? I reckon there are people who do that with TV shows 24/7 so they can cry “#MeToo” at anything vaguely sexual. To the point that they’re condemning David Jason for saying he likes a bit of innuendo. On Twitter there were genuinely people referring to him as a “sexual predator”. Do they not realize how insulting they’re being to genuine victims of sexual harassment by comparing their ordeals to an 80 year old actor making some innuendos on the set of a TV show?

So in Hollyoaks there is apparently a loophole in the law where if you commit a crime but are then the victim of a crime you are immune from being charged for the crime you committed. How else would the police completely forget about Mercedes running someone over? Seriously ever since she was shot the police have completely dropped any interest in questioning her even though there’s a voicemail of her admitting it! I hate the fact that in soaps entire storylines can be overlooked or even forgotten about in order to do another storyline.

Thu 12th Dec 2019

UUUUUUURRGH…fuck you Great Britain…so as you may have guessed today was Election Day. After rumours abounded for months finally called a snap general election after his fucking stupid Brexit deal got shut down for about the 8 millionth time. For months Johnson has been abusing his power and making himself out to be even more of a cunt by breaking the law by suspending parliament and providing lies about the sale of the NHS. Jeremy Corbyn has likewise been facing extreme criticism due to his neutral stance on Brexit and his failure to lay out a concrete plan to tackle anti-semitism in the Labour Party. As much as my opinion of Corbyn has been lowered due to his inability to answer a question which lately has been bordering on Christian apologist levels of question dogginess, I love the NHS. The NHS saved the life of my mother and because of the debt I owe them I feel compelled to do everything I can to save it which includes voting for the party that definitely will not sell it off even if their leader is more than a little shady. As soon as I got home from London I went to the nearest poling station and proudly voted for Labour, hoping that he majority of the British voting public would share my desire to boot Johnson out for his illegal activities and his corruption. With closing time still hours away I Tweeted the following JOKE on Twitter:

Remember: anyone planning to Vote Conservatives, your voting day is Friday. Everyone else is Thursday 🙂

About half an hour later I received an email telling me that I had been suspended from Twitter for 12 hours for posting “Misleading information with regards to voting”.

First of all this was clearly a fucking joke and Twitter is implying that Tory voters are so stupid that they may have read my Tweet and genuinely won’t have voted because they thought their day was tomorrow. Secondly: POSTING MISLEADING INFORMATION ABOUT VOTING? Johnson Tweeted that he would provide 50,000 new nurses when it’s been proven there will only by 31,000! How come he’s still on fucking Twitter?Would you care to guess how many people Boris Johnson has mislead into voting for him by Tweeting that load of shit?

74209A1A-354C-4932-B927-799B361206AD.jpeg

Anywho I was suspended for 12 hours which meant that I couldn’t Tweet rape jokes during Hollyoaks which pissed me off to no end and now myself and Twitter are mortal enemies. I tuned in to Channel 4’s Alternative Election night which is normally a fun take in the election with the comics writing sketches and segments to go along with the unfolding results. However the Exit Poll results meant that this was to be an incredibly depressing night for me and for the presenters as a Tory Majority was predicted. I hoped that this would prove to be incorrect. Very much in my LA Lakers supporting mode I found myself cheering every time Labour won a seat and booing every time the stories won one…I booed a lot tonight. Round about 1 AM they were neck and neck at 41 seats each. By 3 AM the Tories were ahead by fifty. By 4 AM Iain Duncan Smith retained his seat and coincidentally at 4 AM I lost my faith in humanity after they’d just re-elected this disabled person hating cunt who is responsible for hundreds of not thousands of suicides and I genuinely hope gets diagnosed as being terminally ill sooner rather than later . Finally round about half four I realised that a miraculous LA Lakers style underdog comeback wasn’t going to happen and the fucking Tories had won. God damn you Jeremy Corbyn. I was a huge fan of this guy years ago as he seemed like the Superman we needed to free us from austerity. However his failure to effectively deal with the issue of anti-Semitism plus his neutral stance on Brexit has meant that in many ways we were fucked from the get go. It also didn’t help Labour that the Tory supporters strategy of sticking their fingers in their ears and screaming “GET BREXIT DONE” every time anyone pointed out something Johnson said that wasn’t true was surprisingly effective. Well, we’re fucked. Goodbye NHS. I’ll have to go to my backup plan of drinking at least 200 energy drinks a day to make myself immune to disease and injury so I don’t have to sell all my worldly possessions in order to pay for my dermatitis cream. Fuck you Johnson, Fuck you Corbyn!

Fri 13th Dec 2019

Majorly depressed this morning in my bus ride to work. The fact that my own people are evidently just as pig ignorant as the Americans who voted for Trump put me in a shitty mood all day and the dire prospects our country faces as a result made me sick to my stomach. However this blog isn’t about doom and gloom, my job is to try to bring happiness into your lives and make you forget about your worries even if your worries are the eminent dismantling of our beloved free healthcare service. To try and elevate the mood after this disastrous result I’m going to tell you all a story.

During the summer of 2015 my schedule was all free after I got banned from the Playboy Mansion for banging all the Playboy Bunnies…twice. Kevin’s schedule was also free after he got thrown out of a Doctor Who convention for trying to bum a Dalek. To kill the time we decided we needed an adventure. I told Kev that we were going to venture into the woods where they filmed the Blair Witch Project and try to locate the witch. However due to a mixup Kev thought I said the “Bel Air Witch” and booked us a trip to Bel Air California believing the “Bel Air Witch” to be a Witch from West Philadelphia, born and raised, but the Californian Woods was where it now spent most of it’s days. We spent three whole days in the woods catching no such glimpse of the witch and Kevin tried to fill the boredom by asking me ridiculous questions. I decided I could take no more after he asked me which two Spice Girls would stand the best chance at beating Mike Tyson in a fight. Before we headed off home Kevin went for a piss but inadvertently did so on a skunk. The enraged skunk leapt up and bit Kev on the penis and because it’s so small it managed to get the entire thing in it’s mouth. Kevin screamed at the top of his lungs and after five minutes of solid giggling I set to work trying to scare off the skunk. I tried throwing giving it Ric Flair style chops, to no avail, I even tried papercutting it’s forehead with the pages of the gay prom magazine Kevin had brought with him but the skunk wouldn’t move. I tried throwing curry powder at the skunk but Kevin was flailing around so much that it went in his eyes and blinded him. Just when it seemed as though things couldn’t get any worse Kevin started to panic and began swinging the skunk around in a helicopter style motion and the skunk, in response, started emitting noxious gas from its anal passage. I knew this was bad news as it meant the skunk was signalling for help and if I didn’t act fast there could be hundreds of the little cunts attacking us soon. I implied my last resort plan which was to retrieve my giant bottle of Lucazade from my bag and feed it to Kevin. The sheer buildup of liquid in Kevin’s bladder made him really badly need a piss. I took him to the rivers edge and Kevin began to urinate which inflated the skunk like a balloon until finally the stream of piss shot out of Kevin like a fire hose and the skunk shot across the river like a champagne cork. Once we arrived at the hospital to get treatment for Kevin’s now virtually destroyed penis we told the doctors what had happened and they looked absolutely perplexed. We were told that there were no skunks in California and when I consulted my book of the occult I discovered that, when face to face with potential victims, the Bel Air Witch often takes the form of a skunk.

Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid? #366 “More Gigs Already”

Sat 30th Nov 2019

Started reading Catch Me If You Can by Frank William Abagnale this morning. The film which is based in this book is my all time favourite movie and I have been keen to read the true story of the man himself which hasn’t been glammed up for cinematic purposes. I intended to read it in Bulgaria but I quickly got accustomed to lying in the sun listening to music and doing fuck all for the entire day so my reading plans got put on the back burner. The one thing different in the book novel compared to the movie is the motive for Abagnale’s scam. In the movie it’s because his father loses all his money and Frank is determined to get it all back when in fact Abagnale Sr was fine with his financial slump and Abagnale simply realised at a young age that he couldn’t afford to live in New York at his age in his petty salary and so had to resort to a life of crime. However the craftiness and the slowly growing confidence Frank accumulates throughout the movie is present in the novel as well. The more he schemes the better he gets at it (same with any skill I suppose). My favourite part of the book so far has been Abagnale recanting how he almost got caught once. Abagnale was making smalltalk with a fisherman who asked for his address in New York so he could look him up if he ever went there. Abagnale, who used to carry around a checkbook full of his forged cheques on him realised the fisherman probably would never go to New York and so felt relaxed enough to give him his real name and address which he wrote in the back of one of his fake cheques. However the fisherman got distracted and left before taking the cheque. A few nights later Abagnale was chatting up a woman at a bar who requested she buy her a drink. Abagnale took out the fake cheque, forgetting it had his real name written on the back, filled it out using his fake name, number etc and gave it to the bartender. The next day the bartender realised it was a fake cheque but on the plus side the forget had kindly left their name and contact details on the back. Even more remarkable is the fact that Abagnale avoided apprehension by going to the bank where his fake cheque was being held pretending to be an FBI officer and managed to get the cheque back before the real FBI arrived to collect it. This is an absolutely thrilling book and I can certainly see why Spielberg was eager to translate this magnificent (at least partially) true story to cinema. To think I procrastinated reading this book so I could get a tan and go down waterslides. What an idiot I am.

Hollyoaks dealt with the aftermath of Mercedes telling the police that Sylver shot her even though he was with Grace at the time. In the episode the police showed up to Mercedes’ hospital room hoping to discuss her involvement with Grace’s hit and run but Mercedes said she was in a lot of pain and she didn’t feel up to it and the policewoman just went away. Being the expert in Hollyoaks they I am (a Hollyologist is the correct term) I can confirm that this is the show’s way of saying that this issue will never be brought up again even though there is a voicemail of her confessing to it and the show just expects us to forget all about it.

I finally got round to watching the film Forgetting Sara Marshall and enjoyed it very much. I very much admire Russell Brand as a comic but I think he doesn’t get enough praise as an actor. Brand himself says of his acting: “I resent the notion that I basically play myself in every film but with a slightly different hat”. I think that although most of Brand’s seem to be of an out of control yet strangely articulate rocker, nine times out of ten that ‘s exactly what the movie needs. In the case of Sara Marshall his lackadaisical musician proves the perfect antagonist to Jason Siegel’s character. Not only are the performances in the film very good but fuck me Kristen Bell is fucking beautiful. I don’t follow the lads magazines top 100 beautiful women countdowns anymore but I hope to god the warm blooded, sex starved males of the world rank this woman high in the lists because she is a sex goddess as well as being a phenomenal actress.

Before bed I watched this video of a Scam Baiter pretending to be an old woman in order to waste the time of a scammer trying to rob people of their money. This particular arsehole told the batter that he needed to give him a refund of $300 but then “accidentally” gave him $3000 which he said he needed back. The baiter kept this twat on the phone for an astonishing five hours, at first pretending not to know how to work their computer, then pretending to go to the mall to get gift cards, then culminating I’m returning home and gifting the cards to the wrong account so that the scammer could not reclaim it. In an era where most of our politicians and shady businessmen are not being held accountable for their deplorable actions it’s nice to see that at least in a small scale some people are willing to take action of some of these small time crooks and make them suffer.

Sun 1st Dec 2019

How come there are never any Lilt Christmas adverts? Also, who the fuck drinks Lilt?

For the first time in a while I spent the evening watching television instead of pissing around on my laptop. I cancelled my Sky a while back since Mam has Virgin media in two rooms in the house and so now I just give her some extra cash for the TV. I went into my sisters old room to watch Hollyoaks and ended up staying there for much of the night watching some other shows. While watching a new episode of Still Open All Hours I was genuinely shocked by the following exchange:

Man (Can’t be bothered to look up characters name): Is this yoga stuff supposed to hurt this bad
Woman (Can’t be bothered to look up characters name): If it doesn’t hurt you’re being a pussy!

For context Still Open All Hours goes out at 8:30 and is normally as family friendly of a show you can imagine. Not only that but the writer of the show Roy Clarke is 90 years old so how the hell he knows what a pussy is in the figurative or literal sense is beyond me. This was almost as shocking as the episode of Bojack Horseman I watched where one of the characters says cunt. Later on I watched an episode of Only Connect and as usual didn’t get a single fucking answer right because I’m not a fucking super computer from the year 30,000 which is what you have to be in order to win this fucking quiz. I can’t put my finger on why I adore this show even though I’m fucking shit at it and can’t really understand a thing the contestants or the host are talking about. In fact that’s precisely why I gave up on baseball. As a little bonus here’s a nice little brain teaser that only fans of Only Connect will be able to decipher:

WHYCNTNLYCNNCTJSTBLLMSSNGVWLS?

I sat up from 11 until after midnight reading more of Catch Me If You Can which detailed Abagnale’s time in a French prison. For six months he was contained in a tiny cell with no light, was only fed once a day and had to shit in a bucket which sometimes wasn’t emptied for days. He was never allowed out of the cell for the entire six months. I can’t even begin to imagine how you would occupy your time or remain sane in such a tragic predicament. And this was what they did to cheque fraudsters so imagine what they did to murdered or paedophiles.

Mon 2nd Dec 2019

After finishing Catch Me If You Can I selected a new book to read: “Les Enfants Terrible” by Jean Cocteau. I can’t remember when or where I bought this book but I’m guessing that Cocteau was an influence in one of the other writers whose work I’ve read and I bought his work out of curiosity. Its about an injured schoolboy, his sister and their friend who spend the majority of their time in their home which they refer to as “the room” and spend most of their time playing “the game” which from what I can tell is some sort of improv game where they act out scenarios and never break character. It’s a hard one to follow and I can never seem to tell when the novel deviates from reality to fantasy but I will try to keep up with what’s happening.

After work I went to the casino and after a bit of banter with the hot receptionist I really had the urge to ask her out. She wasn’t even particularly pretty she but had the look of someone who was a beast in between the bedsheets. However after I lost £10 in the casino it was pointless even asking her out because £10 would be the minimum I would need to show here a good time so instead I just went into town and got 5 of Sunderland’s top whores instead.

While I was watching Hollyoaks I was also looking on Twitter and my rectum momentarily prolapsed as I saw that Van Halen was trending. My heart started pounding as I started to consider the possibility that perhaps the group had finally grown a collective pair of balls and decided to get back together for a tour. However further investigation revealed that the reason they were trending is because some American teen idol goth spunk trumpet went in a chat show and said that she’d never heard of them which is enough to get yourself trending worldwide apparently.

Before bed I watched the brilliant film

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. This is such a fucking clever idea for a movie. The idea of being able to erase painful memories is something we’ve all fantasised about and thankfully the director of this movie is a fan of non-linear storytelling and so we get a dreamlike structure for this movie which is set primarily in people’s dreams and memories. If you’d asked me who the right person for the lead male role would have been for this highly subversive and surreal drama I don’t think any of us would have Jim Carey even in our top 10 but it just goes to show that you shouldn’t assume that just because someone is known for one kind of film that they wouldn’t be good or even thrive in another. Just a few minutes in to Carrey’s performance I was so invested in his characters stoic and reserved nature that I completely forgot that this is the guy who spoke out of his arse and gave us the most annoying sound in the world. Kate Winslet is incredible in this movie too as the likewise reserved but slightly more outgoing and adventurous ying to Carrey’s yang. The imagery in this film is absolutely breathtaking and the fact that the action darts from one location to another so frequently makes the surreal experience all the more interesting. If you haven’t seen Eternal Sunshine then give it a watch, it’s a brilliantly acted, superbly written, visual masterpiece with more twists and turns than most drama box sets.

Tue 3rd Dec 2019

This morning I couldn’t find my key for the front door, the fucking thing just completely disappeared. Normally I keep it in the back pocket of my jeans but not only has this one vanished into thin air but the spare I keep in my wallet has also fucked off. As the minutes ticked away until my bus arrived I realised I was going to have to go out the back door and climb over the back wall and walk through the doctors surgery car park. As I did this a woman getting out of her car noticed me climbing and shouted “I hope you don’t fall!”. I didn’t know what to make of this to be honest. I mean it’s nice that she didn’t want me to slip and split my head open but I kind of take it as a given that most people wouldn’t want to see this. I wonder if she does this in other walks of life. Does she stick her head into catholic schools and shout “I hope you don’t get molested!” at the kids?

Anyway, after a slightly hectic start to the day I jumped on my bus and checked my emails. As if getting a ticket to be in the audience for Jonathan Ross wasn’t enough today I got an email telling me I had won an audience ticket for Pointless as well. It’s typical that I’ve been trying for ages to get a ticket to be in the audience for a show with no luck then get two in a row. I really love this show, in addition to having a pair of top notch presenters it’s also a killer format. While you can get by on the show by having a good general knowledge but to stand a chance at winning you have to be a bit of a nerd who knows about the minutia of certain subjects. Hopefully the ticket I have will be for an edition of Pointless Celebrities and there will be some famous people I’ve heard of but of not the regular version will be entertaining too.

I’m sad to report that I’ve given up on the book Les Enfants Terrible because while I was interested to begin with the complicated plot is going over my head. The plot is something to do with a brother and sister playing some sort of psychoanalytical improv game with one another where they are constantly trying to one up one another even to the point where it starts to impact their real lives. It’s quite a complex and balsy for a book that came out in 1929 but I simply can’t follow what’s going on. For a change in tone I’ve now started re-reading “Going To Sea In A Sieve” the first volume of memoirs by Danny Baker. This man is one of my favourite broadcasters mainly due to his carefree attitude to life and his commitment to brightening up peoples days so it’s a joy to hear some of his favourite handpicked stories from his youth. He’s also started a brand new podcast called The Treehouse which is near identical to his old radio show except an hour shorter and minus the celebrity guests. Hopefully as time goes on the show will expand and come to include guests but for the time being I’m happy to have an hour of fun and nonsense from Baker once again.

Wed 4th Dec 2019

I’m sure by now you’ve all heard the tragic news that Matt Baker will be leaving The One Show next year. I haven’t been this temporarily upset before moving on with my life since Max Moon left the WWF. Seriously though Matt Baker is a lovely guy (I was watching Blue Peter when he was one of the presenters) and he really is perfect casting for a show like The One Show as he’s warm and friendly and not one of these talentless shithead presenters who specialise in saying contentious things in order to get a rise out of people.

Checked out Hollyoaks and it’s all bloody kicking off. First off Finn and Nancy came face to face for the first time since the latter attempted to rape the former five years ago. It was quite a surreal and slightly scary moment and one that I never expected to see it then I never though Hollyoaks would be silly enough to attempt to reintroduce a rapist character and try to get us to feel any ounce of sympathy for them. Elsewhere Luke was facing the prospect of dementia with some help from Darren. At the moment they’re treating it like Like definitely had got dementia but I’m sure that when he was in the doctors office the doctor said that he “may” have the disease. I’m hoping that this turns out to be a misdiagnosis because although I wasn’t fussed on the character to begin with I’ve since warned to him and I don’t particularly want to see him go. One thing I will say is that it’s going to be a really difficult job being a soap worrier when all the world’s diseases are cured. They’ll have to rely on teen pregnancies. hit and runs, rapes and coming out of the closet storylines once there are no diseases left to give to their characters. Finally tonight Sid was still trying to come to grips with the loss of his racist Dad. He confessed to Sienna that his Dad didn’t seem so bad when he was a kid and that the two of them used to watch cartoons together on a Saturday afternoon. I think we can all guess what kind of cartoons Stuart used to show to Sid:

Thu 5th Dec 2019

After work I nipped over to the town to get some new keys cut for the front door to replace the two that have gone missing. I’m sure their must be a magpie somewhere who has constructed a next out of all the keys and MegaRiders that have gone missing over the years. On the bus ride home I was some more of Danny Baker’s autobiography and was enthralled by his tales of working in a record shop on his teens and all of the musicians who came into the shop throughout the years including Elton John and Freddie Mercury. It occurred to me that if I were to ever write an autobiography it would have to start at my early twenties because everything before that is a bit of a blur. As previously discussed my great regret in life (other than not going home with that sexy ginger lass I met in Wetherspoons that one time) is not starting a diary much much earlier than I did. I can scarcely remember any details from my primary or secondary school years which is odd because in my head I have those periods filed under the happiest time of my life. I may smog back to the hypnotherapist and ask her if there’s any way she can help me access the lost memories from my childhood. If she can’t regress me that far back then I’ll settle for regressing me back about a week so that I can remember what I did with my fucking front door key!

Today was Luna’s birthday and my sister brought her over to open her presents and let me and Mam play with her for a bit. Mam bought her some building blocks and her new favourite thing to do is to knock down the tower that I build especially if I say “Don’t you dare!” and ever the recalcitrant little bugger that she is she takes great joy in defying orders and shattering all my hard work. I can’t quite believe that we’ve already had one year with this bundle of joy. One year old is a great age too because to her it’s playtime all the time plus she can make as much mess as she wants and suffer no consequences similar to the wrestler Test after he won the Immunity Battle Royal in 2001 but I’m sure you were all making that comparison already. Making other people happy especially little kids gives you a real sense of pride and I never feel more proud of myself than if I do something that makes my little princess happy.

Also tonight I got a really strange friend request from some woman I don’t know, share no mutual friends and she lives down London so she has ether just picked someone at random to add or she has ulterior motives such as trying to get me to jerk off for her then blackmail me with the footage (though to be fair if she wants footage of me jerking off she’d be better off asking Aldi for their car park security tapes). After establishing that she could potentially be some mad cunt the following exchange took place followed by be blocking the bitch:

Fri 6th Dec 2019

After finishing Danny Baker’s autobiography I moved on to my next choice “Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde”. This book is so engraved in the public consciousness and has been referenced so ubiquitously that I know the general plot but as for the actual book itself I’ve never sat down and read it until today. The story as I’m sure you know concerns duel personalities, how we all have our regular, good natured side and another more sinister dissident that most of us keep bottled up (though some people like Iain Duncan Smith and Sean Hannity try to keep the good natured side bottled up and spend the majority of their time letting their sinister personality do most of the talking). I always assumed that the story would be entirely from the perspective of the Jekyll character and would follow him taking a potion that transforms him into the sinister Hyde and we follow his attempts to subvert this monstrous alter ego (ala the Green Goblin In SpiderMan). However the story is actually told mainly from the point of view of Jekyll’s friend Otterson who is growing increasingly concerned with his friend’s mysterious activities which coincide with a series of murders. Robert Louis Stephenson is one of the most articulate writers I’ve read and every sentence it seems I’m having to look up a word that I’ve never seen before. My enjoyment of the book and the creepy atmosphere it creates is aided by the fact that it’s winter in England right now which means dark early morning and dark early evenings which creates the perfect mood for reading such a macabre story like this one. I thought that this story was the length of a full novel but it’s actually a novella but luckily the publishers have included two short stories as well as this one so I’ll get three stories for the price of one.

Well as usual this is normally the time of year where I make a pledge to scale back on the amount of gigs I plan on attending in order to save cash and as usual a bunch of awesome bands I like screw up those plans by announcing shows. I originally only planned to go to see Van Morrison, Primal Scream and the Judas Priest show that I bought a ticket for last year but in the last few weeks Deep Purple have announced a gig in Manchester, Iggy Pop and Kraftwerk have been announced as the headliners for the All Points East festival in London and also Aerosmith have decided to come out of retirement and play a show next year too. Jesus Christ it’s not often that you get to mentally picture your financial plans disappear before your very eyes but all I see in these instances is the look of disappointment on 100 year old Axl’s face when he bemoans not going to see a that he could have.

Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid? #365 “Lost Photo”

Sat 23rd Nov 2019

After finishing From The Earth To The Moon I wanted to read something else immediately and settled on The End of the World News by Anthony Burgess, who is best know for writing A Clockwork Orange. The book simultaneously tells three stories: the first is Sigmund Freud fleeing Nazi Germany, the second is Leon Trotsky staying in New York and the third takes place in the future where a comet is headed for Earth and plans are being made to evacuate. Burgess swerves in and out of the stories telling a little bit of each story at a time before switching to one of the others. Also for some reason the book doesn’t have chapter breaks, it’s just written in longform. While I’m enjoying the Freud story and the sci-fi one the Trotsky story takes the form of a musical number with stage directions and sings which is a bit shit and takes away from the rest of the novel. I would be more interested in reading a full novel about the evacuation and I could just buy a biography of Freud I don’t need to read about it in a novel that’s separated by two other stories. One of the reviews of this book that came out at the time says that the book would have been better if Burgess had been more interested in entertaining the reader than himself. Obviously you should always do what you want to do if you are in a creative medium and not pander to audiences but you can sort of see the critics point in this case. The stories of Freud and Trotsky were clearly appealing to Burgess but trying to weave it in with anther work of pure fiction is a very odd and distracting decision that made sense only to him.

I also read a comic from the collection Batman: The Greatest Stories Ever Told which featured Batwoman and I realised this was the first comic is ever read featuring the character. I did some reading up on her and it turns out the character was invented in order to quell the assertion made in a book called “Seduction of the Innocent” that Batman and Robin were a gay couple. This is despite the fact that Batman has clearly been seen with girlfriend like Julie Madison for years before this book was written. This book although clearly full of bollocks and non facts sounds like an interesting read and I’d be keen to know what kind of shit that the suits were trying to shove down the public’s throats before computer games came along for them to blame on school shootings.

Later in the day I watched a public information film from a few years back called “Only Stupid Cows Text and Drive”. For those not aware a public information film is usually an advert or sometimes a short film designed to scare people into having common sense with regards to dangerous issues, in this case texting and driving. The film is about a girl and her two friends who are out for a drive and as the drivers attention is focused on sending a text message and she drifts over to the other side of the road and smashes into another car, killing her two friends and the passengers of the other car too. The girl and her family are ostracised by their neighbours and members of their community. The film ends with the girl being sent to prison for dangerous driving. I can see this film being effective on some kids but to be honest I think that majority of the kids who would be shit scared of this kind of film would be the kind of film who would be too scared to do the kind of shit the film is against anyway. Most kids are intelligent enough to know that you shouldn’t play with matches, or text and drive or take heroine etc. The kind of people who would actually do these things are fucking idiot kids who would do these things regardless because it makes them look cool or tough or whatever it is.

Finally tonight before bed I watched the amazing True Grit staring John Wayne while I was doing my 1000 weight lifts. I’m not a hardcore western fans by any means but of the few John Wayne movies I’ve seen I really Dog his style and although it seems as though there are only seven or eight stories you can really do set in the old west every one of his films I’ve seen so far have a unique charm and are always packed full of great action. In this movie Wayne and a young lady cross the country looking for the girl’s father’s killer. The thing I can never get my head around with regards to these films where the aim is for Wayne to track down a felon is how the fuck he manages to do so without a phone or the internet. Nowadays it would be relatively easy to locate someone in the run from the law but back then you could just ask people if they have seen the fugitive, ask if they knew where they were headed and just hope that they were still there when they arrived. It would have been im-fucking-possible!

Sun 24th Nov 2019

Got home from work exhausted but happy since I was told that I was getting the day off tomorrow which is a big surprise since I normally always work Mondays but this week Tony needs three days off so he’s working today on his own. Luna was also staying tonight so I got to have fun playing with my little princess. My new thing is to build a tower of cardboard cups and let her knock them over then act like I’m really angry about her knocking them over. She’s only a baby but for some reason the things that entertain her the most are hitting me and undoing any work I have done. She also does this weird thing where she puts one of the cups in her mouth then tilts her head back and each time she does it she takes it straight out and looks at us as if she’s keen to see our reactions to what she’s done. It’s almost as if she’s trying to make us laugh which could be an indicator of a very early sense of humour.

I read a really silly Batman comic from the 70s where Batman and Batwoman’s “energy” gets sent to another planet and while there they have to help a group of bird creatures defend themselves against a giant snake. This sounds like something out of a Futurama episode than a Batman comic although admittedly the comics did occasionally dip into the more surreal supernatural, sci-fi storylines for the Caped Crusaders. I sometimes ponder how the comic book world in general would have played out of the likes of Alan Moore and the more deep thinking, dark comic writers hadn’t come along and allows the characters to get more gritty and stray away from the bizarre fantasy stories.

Later in the day I watched “Who Wants To Steal A Millionaire?”, a documentary about Charles Ingram who along with his wife and a fellow contestant cheated their way to £1,000,000 on the famous quiz show. Looking back on the show now it seems so obvious that the guy is getting help from someone else who coughs whenever he reads out the correct answer (although I can’t remember watching it at the time so perhaps it would have passed me by if I had seen the episode when it was first broadcast). Ingram struggles to get to £32,000 and only did so after using up all of his lifelines and with help from his wife and buddy. The general consensus is that if he’d have bailed out and settled at £32,000 then he would have got away with it as up until this moment the coughing is less noticeable. However he simply got too greedy and pushed his luck going for the million at which point people started to notice the coughing and synchronising them to the correct answers. What I can’t get my head around is the fact that the guy who helped Ingram cheat went on the show after him and got fucking murdered. He ended up leaving with only £1000 so how the fuck did he know the answers to the really difficult big money questions but didn’t know the piss easy ones? On that subject the accomplice agreed to the cheating strategy on the understanding that Ingram would split the money with him. He of course never got that money of course because they were caught out but what if the accomplice himself had actually gone on to win a million on his own without cheating? Would he have gotten to keep that big sum since he had won it legally? Theres a film coming out soon in ITV which will dramatise this surreal episode of Millionaire soon and I’m keen to watch it to see just how much more or less drama it will have compared to the actual event.

Mon 25th Nov 2019

Day off today and while I did waste a good chunk of it I did do something productive namely 1000 sit-ups, 1000 grip exercises and nearly 1000 weight lifts when I forgot that I had a couple hundred more to do and fell asleep but it’s still pretty damn good since my average number of each during the last 30 years has been zero per day. During the afternoon I spent time doing what I imagine a lot of heroin and LSD users do with their time, namely watch nothing but children’s TV from the seventies. One of the shows I watched was Mr Benn which is fondly remembered by people slightly older than me and while it does have a bit of a charm to it and some creativity, visually the show is almost unwatchable because it’s so crudely made. Instead of filmed animation the show mostly features still photos from the books that the show is based on, only occasionally venturing into proper animation. Also the central plot of a guy needing a costume and going to an enchanted costume shop which transports him to a fantasy land based on what costume he’s wearing I’m sure was seen as clever at the time but now it’s something I could imagine seeing in an Adam Sandler movie (one of the shit ones).

Later in the day fresh off watching the gritty public information film Only Stupid Cows Text And Drive I checked out another one, this time going for the sinister “Building Sites Bite”. Building Sites Bite was as you can imagine unless you’re a fucking idiot, an attempt to scare idiot kids and make them aware of the dangers they faced if went to play in building sites. The central character is a kid who reckons he is tough and stealthy enough to handle himself on building sites and his is given the opportunity by two children in a spaceship. You’d think the fact that this kid had just found himself in outer space aboard a spaceship would be enough for him to say “Fox the building sites let’s go and explore space”, but he doesn’t and maintains that he could play in a building site without getting hurt. The kids transport him to a building site and after trying to rescue his pet dog from a large hole in the ground, the walls cave in and he is buried alive. However after he is killed he beams back up to the spaceship alive where the kids give him a telling off. He still maintains that he can play safely on the site and the kids send him back again and again. Over the course of the film the kid is electrocuted by a loose wire in a demolished house, crushed under falling brick, run over by an Earthmover and drowns in a lake while trying to paddle across it on a plank of wood. The funny thing is that most of the time he ends up getting killed because his pet dog finds itself in a jam and the kid is trying to rescue it. Surely the message they’re trying to get across in this film is don’t take dogs with you when you got to play on a building site! In the end he finally gets the message that building sites are dangerous and he instead goes off to take heroin with his mates instead (not really). Another incredibly gritty and effective public information designed to scare the shit out of the little kids and make them good. In this particular film the sound of a heartbeat is heard every time the kid is about to die so that the kids can cover their eyes. If I had been making the short and I really wanted to scare the kids straight I wouldn’t have used the heartbeat at all, they need to see the scary shit to make sure they won’t mess around. To be honest if I was to make a public information film I’d probably end up making it about my own personal grievances with modern life. The film I made would be a bunch of noisy kids either on a bus or in a restaurant, screaming, running around, flinging their toys etc except for one nice kid whose sitting in his own reading a book. All of a sudden a crazy man in a clown costume comes in and shoots every kid with a machine gun save for the nice kid by himself then leaves as the caption “Killer clowns only kill noisy cunts”.

Tue 26th Nov 2019

We had Luna over tonight and her two new favourite things are hitting me (mostly with empty plastic bottles but she’s also partial to stabbing me in the eye with fridge magnets) and going for walks around the house, and by walk I of course mean that I hold her and she points to where she wants me to take her. I cant believe it’s already been a year since this little angel arrived. Every time I head home from work I hope that she’s there for some reason and every time she goes home on a Saturday I count down the days and hours before I get to see her again. To her it’s playtime all the time and although I obviously want her to grow up to be successful and well off, I sincerely hope she never loses the sense of playfulness and adventure she has now. She has the most beautiful smile and laugh that makes all the shit that’s happens in the last year seem not quite so bad.

In Hollyoaks tonight Maxine returned to the village after an extended absence visiting her sister in America. I was glad to see Maxine back because she hasn’t been seen in a while and I was wondering if Nikki Sanderson was in hot water with the makers of the show (plus she filmed a cameo for a Coronation Street feature recently leaving some to wonder if she was quitting Hollyoaks and going back to Corrie). It seems as though Maxine’s illness is just as bad as it was before as she’s broken bridges with her sister now and fled back to England leaving her medical bills unpaid. I’m interested to see where the take the Maxine character now that she appears to have hit rock bottom and is being ostracized by her friends and family.

Wed 27th Nov 2019

Today, to my utter astonishment I managed to finish The End of the World News by Anthony Burgess only a few days after starting which has to be the fastest I have ever read a book of this length. My strategy of reading five or so pages at the start of each hour has paid as it allows me to read a lot without detracting away from the other things I want to do with my day. As for the book itself it was a mixed bag to say the least. I really fucking enjoyed the asteroid story where the people of Earth are planning to flee the planet and the Sigmund Freud story (which was really just a history of his life that I probably could have read in a biography). But the story of Trotsky in New York which took the form of a Broadway musical was unbelievably boring. So reading this book was like reading two autobiographies and one sci fi story at once which seems like a completely unnecessarily complicated plot device. Even though I didn’t care too much for the Freud / Trotsky stories I think I’ll hold onto the book because as I say I did enjoy the sci-fi story so I may go back and revisit it someday. As I was keeping tabs on the unfolding plot with notes in my phone I eventually had the story of the whole book written down and so decided to post it to Wikipedia since no one else has. This is now the second time I have been the first to upload an entire plot to Wikipedia, the first being the synopsis of film The Serpent’s Egg by Ingmar Bergman. I don’t know why but this made me feel like I’d really done a good day’s work maybe because there’s so much shit on the internet and I had effectively filled in one of the holes that should have been filled by some interesting factual information. Anywho I’m bored talking about this shit now so I’ll end by telling you that tonight in Hollyoaks Sylver was arrested for the attempted murder of Mercedes. However Sylver was busy screwing Grace at the time of the shooting so I thought it would have been good if as he was being led away Sylver bellowed “I COULDN’T HAVE SHOT MERCEDES, I WAS BUSY SHOOTING GRACE…FULL OF CUM!!!”

Thu 28th Nov 2019

In the early hours, almost immediately after finishing The End of the World News I was keen to start another book and settled on “House on the Borderland” by William Hope Hodgson. Hodgson 1877-1918 was a British author who specialised in fantasy and horror stories. I really adore his horror short stories set at sea but he also branches out into full length novels. I can remember really liking The House on the Borderland when I first read it which was years ago (I vaguely remember reading it on a train as I headed to the Metro Centre for my Christmas shop….you needed to know that trust me). The bulk of the novel takes the form of a manuscript written by a recluse as he describes strange events taking over his house and the surrounding area where he is transported to surreal alternate universes and tormented by hideous swine like creatures. Hodgson although not possessing the greatest vocabulary nevertheless had a real gift for providing vivid descriptions of the landscapes contained within his books to the point that you can imagine yourself in them (which, considering this book takes place partially in a large, seemingly endless tunnel of light and monoliths is an impressive feat). HP Lovecraft and Terry Pratchett were big fans of Hodgsons with Lovecraft declaring “Few can equal him” and Pratchett describing House on the Borderland as the book that made him want to be a fantasy writer. This time of year with the cold dark bus rides home is the perfect time to be reading these isolated tales of horror and I’m enjoying diving back into the worlds that Hodgson conjures up.

Went to get my haircut later today. Ideally I’d like something similar to Finn Balor’s hairstyle which is near impossible since Finn doesn’t have a receding hairline (although the right side seems to be receding faster than the left. I’m thinking of taking bets on which side which reach the back of my skull the fastest like a kind of Male pattern baldness Grand National), so I just went for the standard short back and sides. While I was in the hairdressers waiting to be seen the little pig dog that they have in there came straight over and sat on my lap expecting to be stroked and I gladly obliged. One of these cute little bastards would be ideal for our house as Lucy needs a play mate for when me and Mam are out and this little guy was cool and fuck. Unlike Lucy this guy only comes to you when he wants something and the rest of he time he just chills out and does whatever the fuck he wants. Also because this dog stank like a fucking dump he covered up the smell of tuna and onions that never leaves me due to having my hands deep in both in the cafe which would be an absolute bonus. Also it can’t be denied that there is something of a resemblance:

Fri 29th Nov 2019

I continued reading “The House on the Borderland” and although it pains me to say it I remember it being more entertaining than it is. The bulk of the book is the writer of the manuscript detailing what he saw while drifting through time and space. These are written with brilliant elegance and Hodgson does a great job of painting a picture but reading a book where someone basically is just describing a landscape gets a bit tiresome after a while. It would be a bit like Stanley Kubrick describing the tunnel of light scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey including the most minute of details, it just wouldn’t be as good as seeing it (though to be fair this novel is from 1908 so at the time this book must have been the equivalent of the tunnel scene from 2001 so maybe I’ve just been spoiled by the amazing technology of my era that the people of 1908 couldn’t comprehend). Although the heavily descriptive nature of the book is starting to got long in the teeth there are still some entertaining aspects of the book. There is a whole scene early in the book where the author is describing how he slowly walked around his house and the surrounding area trying to find out what caused a loud screeching noise which is very similar to what you would expect in a horror movie. Hopefully there is more stuff like this in the book but if not it won’t lesson my opinion of William Hope Hodgson because his short horror stories are still fucking brilliant.

I had a bit of luck tonight as I was passing through the books on my bookshelf looking for the next book to read after I finish House on the Borderland. When I was at school i put together a scrapbook which was inspired by the book Bart Simpson’s Guide To Life which included a retrospective of my time at school (most of which I made up for comic effect) but also included mementos from my school day as well. As I flicked through page after page of utter bollocks I came across a picture I have been after for years:

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This is me (left), my friend Thompson (right) and my other friend Kenzie who is sadly no longer with us (centre). When Kenzie passed away two years ago I ravenously hunted for this photo as I thought it would be a nice thing to post on his Facebook page but I couldn’t find it anywhere. Just look at us, a trio of dumb bastards completely unaware of the bollocks life would throw at us in the years after this photo was taken. Tragically I think this is probably the only phot of me and Kenzie that still exists. I got a camera for my 13th birthday and took pictures of me with my school friends but over the years they have either been lost or thrown out. I wish that I’d had my ridiculous obsession with cataloging every event and experience when I was much younger because if I did there would be plenty of pictures of me and the school crew and shelves full of diaries documenting our latest stupid adventures. I might go back to the hypnotherapists and see if she can work her magic on me so that I might be able to recall even more of these lost school memories that have been lost in the caverns of my mind.